Big Red Egg

Did Something Happen Last Night?

2011-02-02T15:49:00.002-06:00

Didn't lose power or the satellite.

And we're renters so...NO SHOVELING!

And my selfish self isn't going to help the morons who think they can drive.

All in all, not too shabby.

Bored Much?

2011-01-26T17:09:00.006-06:00

Why do I continue to read college football columnists? This is what happens when you enter SPORTS PURGATORY!!!
Firing Ferentz over this? Really?

Now, I'm not saying the incident isn't something that should be looked into but COME ON!
Dennis Dodd did a piece on it, too! Good Lord, guys. Take a vacation. The season's been over for awhile. This is why baseball writers take a nap in December.

And it has to be tiring sucking Urban Meyer's cock for three years.

That aside, is there a program that has more batshitty weird crap happen to it?! I'd settle for a good old fashioned drive by shooting. Kind of makes you yearn for the good ol' days of Chris Kingsbury pissing in the Holiday Inn lobby.

Ah, were we ever that young?

No explanation reasonable when workout puts 13 in hospital

One Iowa football player in the hospital after a hard workout? That's unfortunate, but it happens. It's a fluke. One Iowa player goes to the hospital, and you hope the young man is OK, and you ask his coach and trainer what happened, and you move on. You trust that whatever happened -- whatever unexpected events conspired to put an otherwise healthy young man in the hospital -- won't be repeated. But you move on.

Two Iowa players in the hospital? That's unfortunate, and it shouldn't happen. It suggests something bigger than a fluke.

Thirteen Iowa players in the hospital?

Thirteen?

That's terrifying. Someone loses his job over this, and probably more than one person. This was not a fluke, something unforeseeable. Don't confuse "unforeseen" with "unforeseeable." Major difference in those words.

"Unforeseen" means nobody saw it coming. "Unforeseeable" means nobody could have seen it coming. Big difference, because when 13 college football players -- trained athletes accustomed to intense workouts -- are pushed to the point of hospitalization, well, someone should have been able to see that coming.

Is that someone me? No. Of course not. I wouldn't know the difference between a grueling offseason workout that makes a player strong, and a too-grueling offseason workout that sends 13 players to the hospital.

Whoever was behind the workouts Monday at Iowa -- whoever devised them, whoever approved them, whoever stood there and implemented them -- didn't know, or recognize, the difference either. And that's a major problem, because that workout didn't simply pick off the lowest-hanging fruit of the Iowa football team. This wasn't one or two stragglers who let themselves go in the month after the 2010 season ended and paid the price by being unable to keep up with the rest of the team.

This was the rest of the team. Thirteen players in the hospital? That's not a piece of low-hanging fruit. That's the whole damn fruit tree.

Whatever happened Monday, it was so awful that it broke down the inner workings of 13 college athletes. The reported affliction is exertional rhabdomyolysis, which is a condition caused by overexertion.

Listen, exertion is fine with me. So is overexertion. I spar with professional fighters for fun, for God's sake. My nose has been broken twice, and both times I kept sparring through the blood because overexertion can be fun. Don't confuse this column with weakness, with a demand that college coaches stop working out their poor little football players.

By all means, players should want to be worked out in the offseason, and coaches should want it to pay dividends. Exert them. Push them to the brink -- but only if the people doing the pushing are good enough to know where the brink is.

Someone at Iowa wasn't good enough. And we have 13 Iowa players in the hospital to prove it.

Exertional rhabdomyolysis happens when the body is pushed so far -- often in an offseason setting when players aren't in peak condition -- that muscle begins breaking down and entering the bloodstream. This is not a minor issue. It can lead to kidney failure, because while the human kidney was designed to filter a good many things, an excess of muscular tissue isn't one of them. Kidney failure can lead to death.

Luckily, that didn't happen at Iowa. Disgustingly, Iowa put out a pair of statements Tuesday night that essentially hid behind that fact. In one statement, athletic director Gary Barta noted that the school's "No. 1 concern is the safety of our student-athletes, so we are pleased with the positive feedback. Our next step is to find out what happened so we can avoid this happening in the future."

A short time later, Iowa sent out the most self-serving addendum imaginable. Here's what Iowa wanted to make clear with its second press release:

"The Hawkeye football players admitted to the University of Iowa Hospitals and Clinics were all participating in NCAA allowable winter workouts. The symptoms, for which the student-athletes are being treated, are likely related to those workouts."

You catch that? Iowa is letting you know that this was allowed. And technically speaking, yes it was. College football players are allowed to work out -- to be worked out -- two hours a day, four days a week, in the offseason. And that's fine with me.

College players are not allowed to be worked out so hard that 13 of them -- enough to field a starting defense, plus two -- are in the hospital.

Barta also noted that coach Kirk Ferentz was on the road recruiting and "is aware of the situation and being kept abreast of the progress being made." I'm going to give Ferentz the benefit of the doubt and assume that he returned to Iowa the second he learned that 13 of the young men under his care were in the hospital. If he stayed on the road to recruit rather than returning to Iowa, mothers and fathers should pull their sons out of his program -- and Ferentz should be fired.

Maybe Ferentz should be fired either way. Unless this entire episode can be chalked up to a tainted supplement -- the life raft Iowa fans seem to be clinging to -- someone has to be fired. Trainer, assistant coach, head coach. Someone. Maybe all of them. What happened at Iowa on Monday crossed the line that separates unforeseen from unforeseeable.

This was no fluke. This was grotesque. And this was negligence.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
I do like how Greg managed to get in how he spars with professional athletes in there. Thank God we all know that because Greg is totally not about himself at all.

Um....What?!

2011-01-24T13:53:00.002-06:00

Flavor Flav launches fried chicken eatery in Clinton, Iowa

By Scott Levine
Clinton Herald, Iowa

Updated: 01/22/2011 04:38:23 PM CST

CLINTON — He has pumped up concert-goers and swooned reality television audiences, and now the originator of hype is setting his clock for another creative venture — fried chicken.

Reality TV star and Public Enemy group member Flavor Flav said it's time to open Flav's Fried Chicken. The inaugural location for the fried-chicken franchise will be in Clinton, a move that seems as unlikely as Flavor Flav's shift from popular musician to television star. But Flav received plenty of help picking the spot for FFC by local restaurateur and FFC business partner, Nick Cimino.

Cimino's brother, Peter, owns Mama Cimino's in Las Vegas, ushering in a relationship that eventually led to Flav's appearance in Clinton.

"When the (Cimino) family first met me, it was automatically love at first sight," Flav said while standing in his restaurant Friday. "They loved your boy Flav."

Once Flav started selling his 99-cent chicken wings at Mama Cimino's in Las Vegas, Nick Cimino developed the idea to bring FFC to Clinton.

"Nick sees me frying the chicken and says 'I'm going back to my town and I'm going to build us a restaurant, the first FFC restaurant,'" Flav said. "I said, 'Huh, are you serious?'"

Nick Cimino bought the building, 916 N. Second St., which is next door to Clinton's Mama Cimino's, and started working. Cimino did most of the renovations and developed the ideas behind the pictures and murals, creating a 3D atmosphere of bringing Flav directly to

customers, Cimino said. All the murals were painted by the local business, Doggish, and showcase the many faces of Flav, including him wearing his famous clock, viking helmet and grills.

Combined with the support from Flav, Cimino finished the renovations in about two months, readying the building for the grand opening and ribbon cutting slated for Monday.

"I want people to feel him in the building, even when he's not in the building," Cimino said.

Although Flav admits that members of Public Enemy, like Chuck D, may not visit often since Clinton is "way out here in the middle of some place," Flav insists that he will be an active owner. He promises to be in town often to help promote the product and make sure the chicken is cooked to his liking.

Even Thursday night, when Flav entered Clinton, he displayed his kitchen skills by frying up the first piece of chicken at FFC.

"I don't want to be just known to have a spot," Flav said. "You're going to find me in here working. You're going to be catching me seasoning my chicken, flouring my chicken, frying up my chicken, and not only that, but serving my chicken to my people."

Although the restaurant is a first-time venture for Flav, cooking is not. Flav graduated from cooking school in 1978 and served as a head cook at numerous places. Through the years, he has experimented with seasoning and came up with a taste that no one has, Flav said.

When making the announcement in November about starting a fried-chicken franchise, some websites showed Flav dressed as the colonel and deep frying KFC's notable figure. But Flav insists that although he's ready to give the colonel some competition, he's trying to be just as successful as KFC, which is coincidently situated next door to Flav's inaugural restaurant.

One way Flav intends to compete with established chains is his secret — seasoning the meat.

"The taste will blow up your taste buds," Flav said. "You'll have fireworks in there."

The menu also includes some of Cimino's ribs and regular sides, like macaroni and cheese and greens.

"Honestly with Flavor Flav, if you know anything about Flavor Flav's history, you never know what he's going to do next," Flav said. "You'll be surprised what he's going to do next."

During the next year, Flav hopes to open hundreds of restaurants around the country, especially since he's already received calls about opportunities through the FFC franchise.

But right now, he's focusing on making Clinton the first success story for FFC.

"Nick did his half; he built the spot," Flav said.

"Now I have to bring in my half, and bring the promotion and the people. That's why I'm here."

Transforming into a new role is something Flavor Flav has never shied away from.

A Modest Proposal To Myself

2011-01-21T11:07:00.002-06:00

I'm thinkin'...

I could save $200 this year by simply driving up to the complex in Niles to watch quality softball instead of re-upping the MLB Extra Innings baseball package to watch the Angels.

But I would re-up if Tony Reagins would cut the shit and do away with these half-measures. You get on the horn, Tony. Soriano and Zito's contracts are just sitting there, waiting to be ripped from their respective teams. If you don't go get those two, this off-season is a failure.

Back in October, I mused:

"...and the Angels are one more stupid acquisition from being a bloated, smelly carcass of a baseball team for years to come."

That was during a particularly low sports moment in my world. The Browns were 0-3. They went on to back a good football team for 2 1/2 weeks bookended by awfulness. But hey, they got Dick Jauron to run the defense, so... They TOTALLY redeemed themselves!

The Angels on October 1 were just wrapping up a season that distinctly felt like I just watched the second half of a late 80s Sox team. Spending the time to watch them felt like one step away from having to seriously reevaluate how I spend my time.

But they had a bit of money coming off the books and more coming off a year from now (this year is the last year of the Gary Matthews, Jr. contract!). They were players for Crawford and Beltre but balked at the number of years (!) involved and Moreno threatened that he'd have to raise ticket prices (lowest in baseball) if he did either of those deals. So...to counter the loss of said good players...they traded for a 32-year-old declining asset with four years and $75 million left on his contract. That's fireable. I'm speechless. The 13-game Ozzie plan is looking more attractive as each day passes.

In 1991, I bought a Renault Alliance for $1200 against the advice of everybody on the planet. It lasted about ten months, broke in about 47 different places all at once, I pushed it into a parking spot a few blocks from my apartment and left it there. Came back a couple weeks later to find it missing and never even tried to track it down. Still don't know what happened to it.

THAT was a marginally better acquisition than this.

"Bloated, smelly carcass for years to come?"

Oh, my, yes.

Wow. Just...wow.

There's 3 Hours Of My Life I'll Never Get Back Again

2011-01-09T16:49:00.005-06:00

Down 13-7 with 6 minutes left in the 3rd quarter, the Chiefs decide to go for it on 4th and about a foot from the Ravens 30. Fall forward and you get the first. What do the Chiefs and Charlie Weiss come up with? A sweep to the right side to Dexter McCluster?! And it went downhill from there. Florida, you can have him.
Oh, and by the way, everyone on the planet knows Joe Flacco will throw it to either Todd Heap or Ray Rice out of the backfield on 3rd down every. fucking. time. He's not setting you up. He's not going to all of a sudden get a canon for an arm. It's OK to bring men up closer to the line of scrimmage and cover these guys. Really. He's that predictable. You needn't worry.

In all honesty, noone thought the Chiefs had a snowball's chance in hell of making it past the 2nd round (myself included) and this team is a year or two away still from being contenders in the AFC. But the arrow is pointing up.

Now we enter Sports Purgatory. The end of football to Pitchers and Catchers.
Yeah, I'll watch the rest of the NFL playoffs but college basketball is just sorta there and the less said about the NBA the better.

Keep breathing.....

Film Review: Tron: Legacy

2010-12-22T22:38:00.009-06:00

(Much like 'Revenge Of The Jedi', it should have stayed ----> way.)

I'm not going to tell you Tron: Legacy is a good film, because it's not.

I'm not even going to tell you that if the original hit some personal chord in any sense, you'll enjoy it well enough for what it is...

...because in order to enjoy the sequel to Tron, you had to REALLY Love the original. It HAS to be personal. And I mean a LOT. For me, seeing Tron by myself, in the theatre at ten years old in Davenport while my brother and his then girlfriend now wife saw Officer And A Gentlemen, hit something in me.

It has to touch you in a way that allows the colors, hues, feelings and emotions involved with being allowed to see a movie by yourself for the first time, and simultaneously have that movie touch a place that evokes that first time when you understand the concept of subtext. And have all that intertwine in a way that will never be broken.

Ten years old. By myself for the first time ever from a house populated by three older brothers, a younger sister and, at times, four dogs (fourteen with puppies in the summer) in a crackerbox house, economy in the shitter, dad on strike, government cheese in play for dinner, wearing hand-me-down clothes too short for me, in small town Iowa in 1982. My time. My. Time. For the first time ever. Not to mention various other unmentionables going on at the time.

And I was offered a film with space and vision and visuals that, I'm sorry Star Wars fans, allowed you to be entirely engrossed in a world utterly unseen (by '82, I saw the Star Wars world and it was glorious. Tron was new...maybe because unlike Star Wars, it was mine - nobody else knew nor cared about it).

After reading about the production later in life, I realized the subtext I saw probably wasn't intentional. For me, at the time though, and that time was a time when the local restaurant printed on the back of their menus the Soviet targets like the power plant across the river and the radius of a nuclear bomb impact on that plant, imparting the knowledge in my 10 year-old, Lynard Skynyrd-infused brain that I would be instantly incinerated, Communism vs. the Free World was the order of the day.

I know that's bullshit now. I knew it was bullshit three years after that. But in that time, at that moment, by myself being able to completely form my own conclusions irrespective of ANY other input, influence or other judgment, Tron was mine. Rare thing, that. No older brother to interfere and tell you you're being ridiculous. No conversation about it at all. It was mine to gestate, incubate and fell as I pleased. So much so. It was Possibility.

I'm never going to see the original Tron with a critical eye. Never. Too much involved and nothing will ever take away that initial, very personal experience. I remember the popcorn, I remember the seat I sat in, I remember every minute of waiting for my brother and his girlfriend to finish up their movie, sitting on a ledge, hoping that the time alone would be longer, that it would give me more minutes, more seconds to myself to digest and enjoy this new-found time alone.

It was the first taste of adulthood. So Tron is personal. And I will never apologize for something like that. Heck, I'll even start a blog debating all takers on the merits of the original entirely separate from my personal experience.

The sequel only extends that first experience. As a film by itself, it's a bit cold, a bit playing on the original in merely superficial ways, a bit like seeing a shadow. But. In many ways, not so much. This is the original creator, Steven Lisberger's, baby and he goes all in (boning up on the original helped. Watched my VHS version and bought the soundtrack to the sequel. Can't believe by VCR still worked.).

It's a loud, in your face film amplified by the Daft Punk soundtrack. They're complete Tron nerds but rhythms take over the film in effusive and interfering ways, not allowing the breath and space needed but that's always been the duo's rub. No space to process. Unfortunately, the holes in the screenplay attempt to fill the gaps with music. And like any geek fest, playing above the average movie-goers' intelligence is rewarded by the critics but doesn't pay the mortgage. It feels like the latter may have been a wee bit more focused on than the former for the most part. Feels perfunctory at times while only occasionally engrossing.

The original set the bar for live-action animation. This one sets a different bar. It delivers a visual wonderland while playing in the darker, black-based regions of the eye. It's not Avatar, a movie that uses bright contrasting colors as a crutch. Tron: Legacy went the hard way.

In 3D, it also doesn't overdo the effect, choosing its moments carefully, which is welcome (unlike the GD trailers. Cripes! I get it. It's coming at me. WOW!).

And contrary to many critics bemoaning the de-aging of Jeff Bridges and its supposed "creepiness," it doesn't come off like that at all. It's fine. The mouth to nose ratio is a tad weird and the eyes are too tapered but it's fine and good. Even intriguing.

No recommendation here. I can't see anyone who didn't REALLY love the original getting into the sequel much. It's eye candy and that's it. But if you're 36-44 years old and you saw the original in the theatre, plop down $14 and see it in 3D. I'm sure you've blown $14 on worse things this week.

So, It's Basically One Guy Being Suspended

2010-12-14T10:26:00.004-06:00

Holy Christ. Really? That's what all the kerfuffle was about? Adam Robinson is a cokehead and Jewel Hampton and his balsa wood knees are transferring? That's it.

Wow. If you got on the Idiot Boards last night either a) Ferentz was retiring b) 23 players were being kicked off the team c) NCAA sanctions were forthcoming, among other things.

Talk about a state that needs a pro team, a mountain range or a giant political scandal to divert attention.

Marcus Coker is the starting running back in the bowl game and next year. There. Done.
Can you people just watch the bowl game, keep an eye on the Iowa basketball team and move on with whatever it is you people do?

Pitchers and catchers less than 2 months. Keep...Breathing....

Can We Get Something In A Color Other Than Heart Attack Brown?

2010-12-12T12:50:00.006-06:00

Just got my first exposure to Paula Dean.....

Lard. Lots and lots of lard. Let's take everything in our pantry, throw it on a table, mix it in a bowl, deep fry it and cover it in sugar, butter and hog fat.
Gee, I can't imagine why the South smells like diabetes.
It's godawful. Just...god..awful.

I'm no health food Nazi but watching her made me want to high tail it to Whole Foods for an Organic Colon Cleanser and Vomit Inducer.

Let's Talk About Iowa Basketball! Oh...Wait...

2010-12-07T22:51:00.004-06:00

If the rumors about the computer pictures are true...

Keeps gettin' better.

A Big Bowl Of Meh

2010-12-06T13:31:00.005-06:00

At least it's not relegated to the tomb that is the NFL Network on New Year's Eve like it has been the last 3 years or so.
But the Insight Bowl?!
Yeah, I 'll watch but it really doesn't mean anything. Iowa's season will still leave me with a gigantic Diet Chocolate Soda, horseshit aftertaste in my mouth and beating a decent Missouri team won't take it away.

This is why I hate all these made up bowls. Do they really matter? Quick, who won last year's Sun Bowl? Yep. I had to look it up. Oklahoma apparently beat Stanford. How about the Chick-fil-A or Liberty or Music City? You see where I'm going with this. Hell, the only reason I know who won last year's Insight Bowl was because it was Iowa State and you can't go on an Iowa message board without seeing 20 threads devoted to the "Clowns". Get it? See what they did there?

So, I'll be watching but really just sitting back and taking one last deep whiff of disappointment and say goodbye to the 2010 Iowa Football Shitastic Voyage of the Damned.

Thank God.

Can We All Agree?

2010-12-04T10:34:00.003-06:00

If the Sox don't get Konerko back, the Adam Dunn signing is a wash.

And it might a slight downgrade with Ozzie inexplicably saying that Dunn could see time at first and left field (slaps forehead).

Great signing by Kenny, no question. Kenny got his Dunn deal done (aren't I clever?).

Dunn certainly qualifies as one of the most, if not the most underrated players in baseball.

But "underrated" doesn't necessarily mean he's one of the game's best players. He's more of a best of the rest type player, just below the "eh, eh, eh...cream of the class" (I miss Hampton talking baseball so I create such things in my head just for funnsies).

Some have said the Sox just signed a younger version of Jim Thome. Kinda. More close statistically, the Sox just signed the last four years of Jason Giambi as a Yankee.

(click to stimulate)

Yeah, I squeezed four years out of Giambi to compare to three years of Dunn. So what, wanna fight about it? But what does it all mean, Christo?

It means first and foremost that we'll see pretty, majestic and plentiful home runs flying out to the right field seats. We'll see Dunn standing on first a lot because he waited for a pitch to hit said majesty and didn't get it. It means that we can thank all that is holy that Mark Kotsay won't be DH'ing and hitting FIFTH anymore (just for that, an argument could be made that the Sox got better). It means there's a good chance that Dunn could be the first Sox player to hit 50 since...well...nobody. That has tremendous value. But they'll still need Konerko to improve the middle of the order and man first compared to last year. Can I get an Amen? No Konerko and no lesser signing like a Carlos Peña to play first and we get the utter joy of watching a Dunn/Viciedo platoon on the far right side of the infield butchering balls all over the God's green Earth.

And the Sox pulled off the impossible! They paid $3.5 million to NOT watch Scott Linebrink pitch. On a similar note, is there someone I can pay to NOT watch NBC's Thursday night lineup? I have a crisp $20 bill just sitting here, doin' nothin'.

Great signing. Great dump. Need more.

Happy Thanksgiving and Fuck You, America!

2010-11-23T15:35:00.003-06:00

Wanna see the difference between the Obama Administration and the GOP tax plans? (y'know the GOP right? The fuckers who were on the clock when all this happened. The ones that the mouth breathing moron American independent voters/ignorant saps just gave back the keys to the car. Yeah, them.)

It's right here:
Looks sound, huh? (Slaps forehead)

But we better make sure extending those unemployment benefits to the 10% who can't find work in the worst economy in 70 years is paid for.

Those greedy fucks getting 35% of what they made at their previous employer.

"The definition of stupidity: Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results"

Albert Einstein

Morons, Your Bus Is Leaving!

2010-11-22T09:09:00.006-06:00

Good Lord, reading the Iowa message boards is like peeking into the Special Needs Room at the junior high.

"Fire Ferentz! Fire O'Keefe! This is unacceptable!"

(Cue eye rub)
Frustrating? You bet your ass. Dissapointing? Yep. Unacceptable?! Accept it.

Dumb asses, do you realize we were all singing Ferentz's praises when he was 8-4 in 2008?

Here's a small example of the difference between a BCS season at Iowa and a ho-hum trip to Tampa, that 80% of programs would kill for.

2009:

1.WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: Despite ,apparently, being coached to throw only to running backs and tight ends three yards downfield during a two minute drill, Ricky Stanzi leads Iowa during the last minute and a half against Michigan State. A slant to Marvin McNutt on the last play of the game wins it for Iowa, 15-13.

WHAT EASILY COULD'VE HAPPENED: Stanzi's pass is two inches higher and it bounces off McNutt's right shoulder pad and falls innocently to the turf. Iowa loses 13-9.

2. WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: Tyler Sash brings an INT back 95 yards against Indiana after it bounces off 4 players. It completely reverses the game and momentum, going from a 27 or 31 to 7 deficit to 24-14 going into the 4th quarter. Which leads to a meltdown by Indiana's defense and a "where the hell was this all fucking game" breakout by Stanzi and Iowa's offense.

WHAT EASILY COULD'VE HAPPENED: Chappel's pass falls incomplete, IU settles for a FG and takes a 27-7 lead into the 4th. Still think the comeback happens? OR the INT is caught but Sash is tackled right where he catches it. Down at the 5. Iowa still has to go 95 yards to score. Still think the comeback happens?

3. WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: Thanks to an unbelievably asinine rule Iowa has to block 2 FGs as time expires to knock off FCS Juggernaut Northern Iowa, 17-16.

WHAT EASILY COULD'VE HAPPENED: The guy makes the motherfucking FG. Iowa loses to a fucking FCS team and the season gets off to a rousing start. Still think they go 10-2?

There ya go, Hawk fans. Now, you're 7-5 and in the Champs Sports Bowl instead of the Orange.

2010:

1. WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: After a clusterfuck on special teams and a Pick Six, Iowa snags momentum back from Arizona with a 4 yard TD pass to Jewel Hampton (remember him? The guy that could've been the zing to Adam Robinson's zang. Therefore, making the Iowa offense more unpredictable and y'know...better?) to make it 14-7. Only to give up a 100 yard KO return for a TD to lose whatever momentum they've gained.

WHAT EASILY COULD'VE HAPPENED: Iowa gets it's head out of it's ass and actually tackles the guy at say the 45. An inspired defense comes out and stuffs Arizona for a quick 3 and out. The teams trade FGs the rest of the half and Iowa is down 17-10 at half. Instead of 27-7. A game they eventually tied BTW....

2. WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: Wisconsin trails Iowa by 6 with under 7 minutes to play.Iowa forces a 3 and out and the Badgers are forced to punt. A fake goes for 8,000 yards before Iowa players realize there's not a ball in the air. Wisconsin takes it down the field from there (converting an "OK you're not that good, Scott Tolzien" 4th down pass) and go on to win 31-30.

WHAT EASILY COULD'VE HAPPENED: Iowa's coaching staff looks away for a moment from the robotic game plan and realizes that a fake may be something to watch for in that situation. Wisconsin realizes that they are in "punt safe", he kicks it and Iowa gets good field position to kick a game clinching FG.

OR Iowa makes a goddamn extra point or doesn't drop a snap on a chip shot FG. OR Scott Tolzien's 4th and 3 pass is 3 inches down and the receiver can't catch it. Iowa gets ball on down. Game over. See where I'm going with this?

3. WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: Dan Persa completes a 20 some yard TD pass with 1:30 left to give Northwestern a 21-17 lead against an inexplicably drained Iowa defense.

WHAT EASILY COULD'VE HAPPENED: Adrian Clayborn gets off one of his blockers/holders a second sooner, Persa's "brilliant" pass is now a prayer and Micah Hyde, who had decent coverage, turns around to make the pick. Game over.

4. WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: Terrel Pryor converts a 4th and forever on a SCRAMBLE! Ohio State goes on to score a touchdown in a plot so predictable the writers of Scooby Doo Mysteries are shadowing the Iowa coaches this week.

WHAT EASILY COULD'VE HAPPENED: Iowa's coaching staff realizes that when you have 3 time outs left and you see the other team going for it on 4th and game, you may want to call a TO to reset the defense. OR Iowa leaves a linebacker in to shadow Pryor and they makes a tackle before he actually gets to the marker. Iowa takes over on downs and worst case, OSU is forced to drain their TOs and Iowa punts it away with 2 minutes left, deep into OSU territory.

Honorable mention: Indiana's receiver actually catches the ball. Iowa loses.

OK, so now Iowa is 10-0 or 9-1 (the Arizona game was a toss up even without all the bullshit) OR they're currently 6-5. All on the whim of a handful of plays/decisions. Ya see?!

It's not rocket science, people. Iowa's margin for error is small. Actually, most of college football is like this. It comes down, essentially, to about 10 plays every year whether or not you go 11-1 or 10-2 or you go 6-6 or 7-5. Iowa made most of them last year. They're not this year.

You would think Iowa fans would be used to this by now.

So Tired-Ass, It's Like Watching...

2010-11-21T11:24:00.002-06:00

House.

For the first couple seasons, House was a perfectly amiable show, interesting enough to pass the time, formulaic, sure but a decent 42 minutes of entertainment.

Then the formulaic part became just so damn predictable.

So much so that you could put money down that Addison's or Crohn's disease were going to be the red herrings for the first 48-52 minutes (or some rare tick disease from some revelation about the patient's recent travel to the Brazilian rain forest at the 28 minute mark) and then some entirely irrelevant discussion between House and some other character, usually about donuts or something, brings about the a-ha! moment and it ends up being some rare blood disease usually only found in Mongolia and brought about because the patient ate Twizzlers after doing coke to cope with the depression of being molested as a child.

Same shit with the Hawks (well...not exactly the same).

Hawks are an amiable, interesting enough team with solid production values that offers entertainment but a false sense of security for the first 48-52 minutes of the time clock, compiling a tenuous (Browns) lead on the scoreboard but little things start to bleed into the brain as everything crescendos.

Offensive runs go from the three-to-four yard variety to the one-to-no-gain sort. Passes on 3rd and 8 go from a nice nine-yard slant for the first to suddenly dumping off to Robinson or trying to hit Reisner in the flat for a two-yard fail.

Opposing quarterbacks go from having to worry about the rush to being able to plop down a lawn chair in the pocket and wait for anything to open up. Opposing runs off tackle become 12-yard gains instead of three to four.

And my personal favorite, the fourth quarter "surprise" that opposing teams spring on Iowa - the stop-and-go and the long out patterns - that seems to befuddle the Iowa secondary like it's coming from new-fangled, futuristic style offense not seen on this Earth.

Little cracks, little chinks in the armor start to show...and then the floodgates open.

They get tired, players have to take a few plays off to get their breath and when a play needs to be made, they don't seem to have a guy that can make it to the extent that would make Iowa a very good, borderline great football team instead of merely good.

And all of this starts to happen right about the 10:56 mark in the fourth quarter, which is right about the time House has his a-ha moment because he noticed a double-parked car in the parking lot and that somehow relates to a parasite cutting off oxygen to the heart and lungs.

It's just so despairingly predictable (in a football sense).

Football's a weird bird anyway but you can only compare any team to everybody else.

Given everything, unlike so many other Ferentz years, Iowa's exactly a 7-4 team. They're exactly as good as their record says they are.

And that's probably cosmically appropriate after last season.

Pitcher and catchers = 85 days.

Worst.Season.Ever

2010-11-20T23:17:00.004-06:00

Wow. Talk about a tired ass script.

It's like a festering boil that you just think will go away on it's own. You think "There's no way it could have more puss and actually get GREENER."

But it does.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Jesus.

I'm Going To Pretend Tom Ricketts Is A Genius

2010-11-19T10:50:00.004-06:00

Disclosure: This is an alternate universe based in absolutely no fact. This is Christo bored and missing baseball.

Fresh off the news that the east wall at Wrigley and its potential to mangle human flesh will now not come into play (every possession will go west), one, and by one I mean me, has to wonder.

Either the fledging Cubs era of Tom Ricketts is one of the biggest and weirdest in recent memory or...

...he might be a genius.

I say genius.

Stay with me here.

Put aside the payroll logjam. Put aside the fact that Jim Hendry went from one of the seemingly most astute GMs in baseball to someone that looked like he was simply throwing darts at a wall. Put aside Crane Kenney and his holy water inclinations. And put aside the fact that these issues are still issues and will be for at least the near future.

Ricketts bought the Cubs for $845 million, the most paid for a professional team ever and he bought it with an absolute and obvious finite potential for growth in the short and long-term with Wrigley as the primary revenue generator.

A Cubs Network has been dead in the water for years (mainly because who is really going to watch the '69, '84,'89 and early aughts collapses as the network's highlights for the franchise?) so scratch that as a viable revenue stream for now.

So here's a rich man, a Cubs fan, who bought it as a play toy for the most part. It's not like, in its current condition, that the team is going to afford Ricketts to bathe in money anytime soon.

But here's the rub. Yes. By all media indications, he might have been sold a bill of goods, wildly overpaying for the Cubs and once he got into the details of where the Cubs can go financially ten, twenty, thirty years from now, I'm sure he could hear the Tribune board laughing at him in his sleep.

But that doesn't mean he's going to lose a barrel of money, either.

I'm sure he could squeak out a modest profit in its current condition for years to come.

As a 47 year-old man with many cognizant mental years ahead of him and the realization that owning the Cubs isn't the "retirement" business enterprise he thought it might have been, would you want to "squeak out a modest profit" for the next 30 years of your cognizant mental life while your fellow billionaires snicker behind your back over how you got bamboozled?

At some point, hearing "riding daddy's coattails" and "got lucky" would start to get to you a little bit, not to mention that Tom is a University of Chicago guy, an environment and group of alumni that's notoriously competitive when it comes to balance sheet penis size.

I'm not saying this is the psychological case with Ricketts. I am saying that it makes one - and by one I mean me - wonder.

Or it could have - and probably was - the plan from the beginning. Make THIS, the Cubs, a money bath. And to do so, Wrigley has to go.

It's not going to be easy but it's doable and here's how:

1. When buying the team, talk about the romantic and idyllic personal connection to the past to endear yourself the slobbering Cubs base that wet themselves over all things Wrigley as an "experience" more than the product on the field. Lull them into a false sense of security to buy some time.

2. Don't do anything of note for a year or so to solidify the perception of your intentions to preserve said "experience"

3. But in that year of basic inactivity, do small things (like the Toyota sign) that only mildly gets said slobbering fan base in a minor snit over sight lines and "tinkering with the character" in order to get people talking about revenue streams in order to display the extent to which Wrigley is tapped out when it comes to generating future dough (and remember, he inherited the payroll mess so some level of cover is built into the equation - he has some Cub fan capital to spend with that).

4. In the above public discussion, take advantage of the news that the Cubs, when the Toyota sign debate hit in April, that the team now had the highest average ticket prices in baseball ($52.56, White Sox were $38.65, the average MLB ticket was $26.79) and were second to the Red Sox in fan cost. This furthers the "tapped out" argument and actually makes the average slobbering Cub fan begin to think about how the team can compete on the free agent market, allowing visions of a dead decade of Cubs baseball invade their dreams. In other words, they kinda start to feel sorry for a billionaire because their baseball pleasure zone is now indelibly attached to said billionaire's wallet.

5. The big one. Ask the city and state for $300 million to renovate Wrigley and its surroundings in the worst economy in 70 years, right at the time when Tea Partiers are going ballistic over wasteful government spending, frame it in an amusement tax argument to be tacked on to tickets that are already the highest in baseball, say there is "no Plan B" (still haven't found out why issuing corporate bonds isn't an option), release pretty drawings to media that demonstrate the dreamy possibilities and release them after it's obvious the state and city aren't going to play ball to show Cub fans what they can't have. Sit back, relax and watch it fail miserably, which was the plan in the first place. But make it plausibly viable. Make it a plan that seems doable, just not in the current fiscal environment. That shows you tried your darnedest (It won't get into "socializing the risk and profitizing the profits" framework of the thing and that it's coming from a family whose father is the only funder of "Taxpayers Against Earmarks," a group that rails against wasteful government spending from the furtherest reaches of the right-wing world ($600,000 to Sharron Angle). It's weird. It's just weird.)

6. Display that "creative" revenue streams are a dead end, like playing college football games at Wrigley. But to do that, you have to demonstrate the parameters. So put on a hockey game in the dead of winter and make damn sure the discussion in the media, aside from the cuteness of it all, is focused on why this is happening. Frame it as an alternative Wrigley revenue stream at every turn. Seriously. Google it and read every story.

7. Show the limitations of that. Put on a college football game that, even when it was announced, people ruminated on how the hell that was going to work. There was a reason nobody has played a football game there in 62 years. All possessions are now going east to west, a prescient clue that this alternative revenue stream is dead in the water for any future game.

8. Sound dejected and woebegone when talking about the dim possibilities of "allowing the Cubs brand to grow". And when doing so, talk about it in concrete terms of years. Like 'this will allow Wrigley to be a viable entertainment and baseball venue for 35 years.' People can fathom that. It's most of their lives. It also makes them understand that any downgraded plan reduces that year framework as well, it simply puts everything on a respirator and makes people think that we're just going to be talking about this again in five or ten years. That lets the unthinkable wander into the frontal cortex. Tear down Wrigley.

9. From the very beginning, that's the plan. Get the unthinkable into the public discussion. Take a year to publicly demonstrate that Wrigley is a dead end from every angle, do it low and slow to let it delicately bleed into the average slobbering Cub fan brain, do it at a time when the team blows and nobody really cares to experience the quaint charms of an outmoded stadium and, most importantly, do it during the off-season, a time when the variables (like a team suddenly playing well and people are actually going to games) are out of the equation. (a side note: I thought the Quade hire was a good one but hiring Sandberg throws a wrench into this alternate universe. Renewed fan interest, even stupid renewed fan interest like this one would have been, is an undesirable outcome for the end game here. Too nostalgic-y at a time when the "future of the franchise" is the only topic desired to be on the table.)

10. Maybe get a political columnist at the Tribune to write a "Tear Down Wrigley" column that gets a lot of play at the paper during a slow news time (fellow U of Chicago guy as well - oooh, Christo gets really conspiratorial!) during a time when it's obvious that there's a sea change in public opinion on the issue (right on cue). The young 'uns don't really care/could be persuaded to tear it down and the geriatrics are the only ones that really give a crap because everything was better 40 years ago.

Eureka! Only took one year of ownership. "Tom Ricketts, you are ridiculous!" You are a genius and kinda my hero. You created an atmosphere unthinkable just one year ago. And all the cards fell for you. The economy tanked and, as rich people do, you found a way to use this economy to your advantage. The team sucked enough on the field and the prospects for the immediate future of Cubs goodness look woefully dim. That takes away the ability of the fanbase to wrap themselves in the Cubs flag, get themselves in a tizzy and scream about tradition and charm. It even makes them a wee bit desperate and desperation brings about malleability, a condition that lets them think about "compromising their values."

Something that might have taken ten years for the average non-super human took you one. You created a intricate, slowly oozing plan that actually got people to seriously consider tearing that piece of excrement down. And you did it by framing it in an argument that logically concludes that it's for the betterment of the franchise and the only real logical alternative once the city and state officially balks without ever actually saying it yourself. Not once. In fact, you did it in a posture portraying the exact opposite.

So I say kudos to you, Tom. Best play I've seen in years.

Iowa, 22-18.

Kinda Wanna Vomit...

2010-11-17T15:09:00.007-06:00

I have no clue about daytime soaps but I found this on Ken Levine's excellent blog and wanted to share.

Holy God. If I was one of these actors a long alcohol shower would've been in my future. The 8 second mark is my personal favorite but it keeps going after that. Oh, and try not to eat your hand from the intelligence insulting 33 to 50 second mark.

And then there's this one:

...aaaaand this one

Nothing Can Possibly Go Wrong Here!

2010-11-16T12:03:00.001-06:00

That Went Well...

2010-11-14T07:36:00.006-06:00

To add to Christo's soup analogy (dead on BTW) I'll offer mine: There was a kid from Monticello when I was playing baseball in high school that every other guy on the team would feast on. He came up as a freshman just like I did and I got to face him every year. A submariner but hardly Kent Tekulve, his fastball just kind of was there and whatever breaking stuff he had was flat. But I couldn't get over the goddamn submarine motion and every time I faced him I would ground out weakly to second or foul off the two good pitches I would see and then proceed to strike out on a terrible pitch in the left handed batters box. Meanwhile, the rest of the team would be enjoying a nice stats padding 15-3 win. It became branded in my brain that I couldn't hit this guy even though he was unbelievably hittable. THAT'S Iowa vs. Northwestern.
At least I didn't have to watch Pat Fitzgerald dance around like an asshole.

The Good: Um.....Marvin McNutt? Guy made an unreal catch to keep some hope alive during Iowa's Chinese Fire Drill last drive. Alan Reisner also bailed Stanzi out of a few fucking putrid throws. Seriously, Rick, you can throw to someone else on 3rd down.

The Bad: Where to start? Stanzi has reverted back in some ways to the norm. The INT with 10 minutes left was just a brutal decision that gave Northwestern a glimmer. And that's all those dickfaces need. Iowa was running at will at that point and could've, at worst, ran another four minutes off the clock but no, Stanzi had to remember they were playing Northwestern and it was about time someone had to piss in their pants. Cue wounded duck into triple coverage. McNutt running underneath without a guy within 10 yards of him on that play, BTW....
I hate to pile on the coaches but Ken O' Keefe really needs to tell Stanzi that it's OK to throw to someone besides his tight end on 3rd down. And you guys really need to work on the 2 minute drill. It shouldn't take a minute to get a first down when the other team is in prevent. And if they aren't? Go deep. The cluelessness is pretty inexcusable to be honest.

The Godawful: It's November, guys. Defensive players shouldn't be falling over like wounded Rebels at Gettysburg. When I saw Clayborn and Klug and the lot sucking air on the last drive I knew it was over. And the drive before that. And the drive before that. I'm baffled as to how 22 year old guys on a football team can be that winded in the middle of a late season game. Nice conditioning.

The defense is so overrated it's not even worth talking about anymore. That's 4 times that they needed to make a stop and didn't. I'm not counting Indiana as a stop, it was dumb luck. (The same Indiana team that just gave up 83 to Wisconsin BTW...Stay classy, Brett!) That's not an anomaly, that's not bad luck , that's just a defense that can't get it done when it needs to. Some good players but really not very tough to beat when you get down to it.

Yeah, they can win the next two and go 9-3 and that's not terrible but I saw nothing yesterday or the week before that leads me to believe they can beat Ohio State. It's possible and college football is queer that way but this is a deeply flawed team.

The Insight Bowl is a very real possibility. I think I have plans that night.

P.S.-- Fitzgerald said in his post game news conference that he refers to the last 5 minutes of the game as "Cat Time"....Oh, Fuuuuuuuck you!

P.S.S-- the officiating was fucking brutal. Clayborn was ass raped on the first scoring drive by NW and I lost count at 7 on obvious holding calls on Persa's "scrambles". Jesus. I hate being that guy but these refs didn't help. And last time I checked a defensive player hitting a guy a full second before the ball gets there is still pass interference, even on a Hail Mary. Ref standing 5 feet away looking right at it.

This is getting old.

I've Had More Enjoyable Bouts Of Diarrhea

2010-11-13T23:28:00.009-06:00

Playing Northwestern is like eating an old and bad bowl of soup.

You know, something like minestrone, an already dull bowl of bland in my world (even good ones), and one that's been sitting, simmering on low for days.

The kind of soup experience that involves going to a restaurant for lunch that you didn't want to go to in the first place but your first three choices were either closed or packed. So you end up at a diner-ish style place that's a ghost town and smells like tears.

You just want something simple like a quick soup and sandwich. The server, doubling as the fry cook by the look of his apron and skin, says they have two soups, a broccoli cheese and a minestrone. Judging by the smell of the place, you pass on anything dairy-related and opt for the minestrone.

Out comes an unfortunate bowl of odd-colored liquid with unidentifiable floaties in it that defy description. The peas are gray, the carrots are a mushy paste, your server skimmed off the top so no rice is in sight and copious amounts of oily goo begins to clot and bubble to the top of the exceedingly hot bowl.

You're hungry and alone so you get up the courage to dare to take a bite and it tastes exactly like you expect - like burned moth balls and Elmer's glue dipped in sadness.

That's what the week leading up to Northwestern feels like. That's what watching the game feels like. That's what it feels like after the game, every year, when the bitter taste of reassessment on Iowa's season hits my tongue.

Every year. Every mid-November when the weather begins to turn gloomy and Iowa sits in a position that makes you think "what if." And then Northwestern comes along. Northwestern (next year is October 15, Thank all that is holy).

Lost five of the last six to Northwestern.

And by the looks of Minnesota today, that one might not be a gimme. Could this team really end up 7-5? This team?

Iowa basketball today at 2pm. New coach, new players, why not?

I know what to expect from them. Anything else is a bonus.

20 Years Of Absolute Torture Is Now Over

2010-11-08T17:32:00.002-06:00

Bye, Joe.

I guess you weren't consistent enough.

I won't miss you.

The End.

OK, So I Guess We're Gonna Do This

2010-11-01T13:46:00.007-05:00

Apparently there's some sort of election tomorrow. Gosh, I wouldn't know because I haven't seen any commercials. Seriously, the negative ads are astronomically weirder and more laughable this year than in the past. And that's saying ALOT!

Anyway, the increasingly idiotic American voting public will once again put back into power a party that four short years ago was booted out in epic asswhompery. Yep, the party that thinks it's a good idea to stall unemployment benefits in a jobless recovery, did nothing about skyrocketing health costs in the 6 years they were in control of all three branches and thinks boys kissing is the single most awful social issue today. Way to go, America!

I have said it from day one, the Tea Party (God, I'll be glad when that shit goes away Wednesday) will get the GOP a whole bunch of seats tomorrow and it will also kill them in the long run. It actually is hurting them this year. It was a walk to control of the Senate but a wacko nut job in Delaware made a safe Republican seat an easy Democratic win and only bat shit insane idiot Sharon Angle could lose to Harry Reid. Whuuuut?! Reid may still lose but for him to even be within 10 points of anybody speaks to her coo-coo for cocoa puffs instability.

So, way to go America. You get what you deserve.

Predictions: 54 seat pick up for the Republicans in the House and your clueless, asshole Republican Uncle will think the Sun will shine brighter and the bird's songs will be more beautiful. Sean Hannity jerks off on national TV. Rush Limbaugh will somehow bring race into the equation. Keith Olbermann implodes on his self righteous anger.

7 seat pick up in the Senate. Democrats still control but with a basically 50/50 breakdown it makes it an even more worthless body of White people getting together for no good purpose.

Surprises: Harry Reid eeks it out in Nevada and along with Christine O'Donnell getting asshammered in Delaware they lose Two seats that "mainstream" Republicans would've easily won and given the GOP control. Thanks, Tea Party!
Good luck with those folks, Republicans!

Cue the infighting......

I Agree With All Of Mate's Thoughts...Plus More

2010-10-25T10:04:00.007-05:00

Unlike Mate, I do NOT have stuff going on.

My lack of posts come from burying my head in the sand until the election is over. I'd just get myself worked up into a lather and that's not good for anybody.

But I thought it all year and the Wisconsin game really was the first one that pushed all the over-hyped buttons in my Iowa football world.

I say "over-hyped" in the sense of what some pundits have said. There has been entirely too much blind faith in the defensive line being one of the best in the nation and having that translate to the entire defense as "one of the best defenses in the nation".

Essentially, Iowa has a great defensive line (with caveats), two very good safeties, a fair to middling (at best) linebacking corps, a #1 cornerback that should be a #2 in a good defense and another that's going through every possible cornerback growing pain in a season that can't afford it.

And the bigger problem is that Iowa's base zone defense NEEDS an agile linebacking group that covers the soft middle and a group that can go sideline to sideline better than most in order to succeed. Toss in two smart, opportunistic safeties and that's what works in Iowa's scheme. It's too basic of a set NOT have this. A great defensive line is merely a luxury in their defense. It only needs to be good.

Iowa's defense was so Iowa-y last year because Edds was so freakin' incredible at taking away the underneath from the running backs and the wide receivers in the flat on the quick outs. And Angerer took away the quick go from from the tight end just long enough to force the quarterback to check off it. That brought safeties in play to make their jump early as they read what was initially covered and where help would be more prudent and all interception-y.

Heck, I don't even think cornerbacks need to be great in their defensive set. Just good. Great safeties make good cornerbacks. It allows them to be more aggressive if help is a given. But...if the cornerbacks have it in the back of their mind that the drag across the middle isn't going to be covered effectively, their zone becomes expanded. Happy feet is the result. And happy feet with a cornerback that's learning on the job and happy feet with a cornerback who seems to want the big hit over effective coverage leads to weird TV football confusion. Too many guys on the field simply can't do what they do best and end up having to worry about stuff that isn't relevant to their primary assignment.

But when your linebackers look like they took a time machine back to 1977 with floppy pads and trippy running after opposing players that seem like they're from the future, going after guys that seem to, once and for all, put to rest the argument that players 30 years ago could easily play in today's game, what does the coaching staff do? They went into the season hoping, praying that upfront pressure would minimize any deficiencies in the linebackers, at least until they got better as the season progressed. They didn't. I think Iowa fans in general got a little too into "Clayborn's back, baby!" to realize that they had two brand-spankin' new linebackers in a scheme that demands they be better than this.

And that upfront pressure has been, dare I say, spotty. Ballard and Binns disappear from long stretches at a time, something that can't happen when Clayborn's getting double-teamed every snap. They stop the run, expect when they don't, especially late in the game. It almost seems like they tire out, a shock to watch from an Iowa team. The pass rush is good enough but only 12 sacks on the year (72nd in FBS) sends the mind whirling in so many different directions. That doesn't have to mean everything but it also isnn't entirely devoid of meaning. Sacks are a result of good coverage but also are a result of beating your one-on-one match-up so thoroughly. Let's say sacks aren't a barometer. How 'bout tackles for loss? That's a good gauge of a great defensive line, right? 84th in FBS with 5.7 per game.

I believe that this is a talented Iowa team. I do. But if you were scheming against this Iowa defense as an opposing coach, would you be that frightened? Compare it to scheming against some of the Iowa defenses from 2002-2004 at various stages of the each season (i.e. - most of '02 and late '04). I don't think it's close. The cushy, pillow-like soft middle and the tendency for Iowa's CB's to overplay/happy feet it says a simple "mix it up" with copious amounts of play-action will do the trick. And during the game, track Iowa's individual player tendencies. It doesn't change enough. If the CB's are inching to defending the run early, he'll do it for long stretches until they're exploited and even then, it doesn't seem if they adjust enough. Linebackers backpedalling get exploited when the receiver/TE cut the route short because the linebackers don't recover well from their backpedal and no adjustment happens, like inching the safeties up to compensate against the Wisconsin receiving corps that doesn't possess blazing speed. Problem, though, comes in the cornerbacks not being good enough to give away their safety blankie. So...Iowa does one thing to compensate and two more options come open for Wisconsin to take advantage of. A lot of creaky moving parts here.

And as Mate said, Stanzi couldn't have had more time Saturday. That was a very good defensive line Iowa faced and the line, previously the biggest concern that was slowly wandering into Bears "Oh, my God, they're defining futile" territory, looked like what everyone says about Iowa - a team built on a beefy, technically solid guys up front. It's almost too bad Iowa fans can't focus on that with the defense in the shape it is. They deserve some love after that day.

But Stanzi, while a better version of Stanzi than last year and having all the time in the world, missed receivers multiple times and patently refused to give the middle of the field more time to develop. His check-downs seemed too quick Saturday, opting for the safe route too early on downs that necessitated a longer look down-field. I shouldn't be complaining about a 30-point effort against Wisconsin. That should have been enough to win. But having that much time in the pocket - a pocket that never even seemed to collapse even a little bit on so many occasions - and a Wisconsin secondary that didn't play well at all (second only to the Michigan State cornerback play on the week for crappy crappiness - how did Northwestern lose that game?), Iowa should have put up 40-45 Saturday. That was a once-in-a-season opportunity against a very good team (at home) missed.

Iowa is a good football team. It's when you get into the details of defining "good" where things get dicey. Last year was such a high that many Iowa fans put their hands over their ears when some talked about concerns. Too much talent was returning. But the lack of talent at key positions allowed things like stupid mental lapses on special teams and terrible clock management to mean so much and/or even become a factor.

Great teams overcome it. Great teams don't let it come into play.

I'm fine with Iowa being a "good" team. It's part of the ebb and flow of being a fan. But that's what they are. Good. Not great.

I believe they'll beat Michigan State, giving them a signature win and they have a great chance of beating a mediocre Ohio State team. But I don't think this is a team that does what Iowa does, get better quick and run the table. The Northwestern and Indiana games are entirely in play in my Iowa football world for frustrating football watching.

In fact, I don't really think Iowa's getting particularly better as the season progresses.

They might even be getting worse.

Cue Picard Frustratin Pic

2010-10-25T09:37:00.009-05:00

Too much shit and too much stuff to devote some time to posting lately. But what could possibly be better to get me out of my funk than a classic Iowa Frustration Loss like the one Saturday?!
The whole game, even though Iowa could've thrown at fucking will against the unbelievably bad Wisconsin secondary, I had a bad feeling. Hayden era bad feeling.

First off, Iowa fans need to get over the whole "BCS Championship Game" bullshit anyway. The loss to a mediocre Arizona team pretty much threw that out the window. Second, yes, the last 15 seconds of clock management was laughably bad and Kirk Ferentz still after all these years, can't seem to grasp the intricacies of setting yourself up for a last second field goal with minimal time left.
You know, you have to keep track of time outs and the clock and all that. It's very confusing. ("It was a maaaaadhouse!")

So, here goes my little take:

The Good: Iowa's offense is fairly lethal. Stanzi's throws wobbled at times and he missed some wide open receivers but all in all, the passing game is formidable. Kirk and O'Keefe would be wise to open things up a bit more. There's too many good receivers on this team to not score at least 28 points a game.

The offensive line was stout against an overrated but decent Wisconsin d-line. Plenty of time to throw, which made some of Stanzi's "Ingrained in brain by coaching staff" check downs more frustrating. Seriously, Stanzi could've thrown every damn down for significant yards. Case in point, DJK (I hate writing that but his name is hard to spell) running down the middle of the field with two steps on his man with 30 seconds left. Someone.Open.Every. Down.

The Bad: Special Teams. Seriously, guys. Off sides on a kick off? That cost ya 30 yards. Bad snap on a chip shot FG. Blocked PAT. Horrible kick off coverage, at times. AGAIN! I won't blame the fake punt on the players as the coaching staff called for a return (stupid. 6 minutes left.The idea of a fake didn't cross your mind?! More on this later) and got burned. But this area has cost Iowa both it's losses. It's time to put some starters in KO coverage and start with the squib kicking, which worked once and was then abandoned. Again, coaching staff has had better days.

Linebackers: Iowa's defense is predicated on having linebackers that can cover receivers. If you don't have that, it doesn't mean two shits whether or not you have a good defensive line. And losing AJ Edds an Pat Angerer has hurt more than I thought. The guys in there now can't cover. Michigan and Wisconsin both exploited this and the staff better change something soon or we''re gonna see alot of slow bleeding drives. Getting Tarpinian back helps a bit but Hunter is hurt now (not sure how bad) and Tyler Nielsen might have a hard time covering Christo or me.

The Godawful: Coaching: Not playing safe on the punt was unforgivable but the part where I got hot was when Iowa is up 27-24 with 8 minutes left and Brett Greenwood makes a super INT at the Wisconsin 30 yard line. Go for the throat! Dive left. Check down for 2 yards. Incomplete pass. Field goal. Browns lead. As much as I love the coaching staff at Iowa, this was ridiculous in it's Michael Savage-like conservatism. As I said earlier, the Wisconsin secondary is BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD. You're working clock?! The defense is having a hard time against their offense. You know what helps with that? A TEN POINT LEAD! So what if they run it down your throats? They take 5 minutes off the clock and you still have the lead. Unreal. You're telling me three shots at the end zone in that situation you couldn't get a TD against that fucking brutal secondary?
It's a cliche but if you don't have the balls to do that then you don't deserve to win.

The fans: Jesus. Get a grip. I made a decision a few years ago to give myself an hour to be pissed off after a loss. Now, it gets a bit gray in a BIG game like the Rose Bowl or the World Series or playoffs but a regular season game? It's a bunch of 19 year old kids beating a bunch of other 19 year old kids. It's frustrating. But come on! Do I need to call the Suicide Hotline?!

We're Still Alive

2010-10-12T10:30:00.004-05:00

The BRE has been in shutdown mode for most of the last month but we get back on track with this:

I don't know what's more pathetic, the kid acting like a whining crybaby horse's ass over a motherfucking NFL football game or the fact that the Raiders are so shitastic that people feel the need to cry when their team loses to them.
Either way? Hysterical.

Help! I'm About To Join An NBA Fantasy League!

2010-10-01T10:20:00.006-05:00

Browns are 0-3 and the Angels are one more stupid acquisition from being a bloated, smelly carcass of a baseball team for years to come.

Iowa basketball (kicks off with the shirts-skins game this weekend) evokes the same mouth agape, dirty, sad feeling I get when watching the third consecutive episode of Hoarders.

Iowa football is nice but I'm starting to feel a tad squirmy about the next three games, bringing on more sports angst than sports enjoyment.

So maybe I'll start following the Darth Vader and Evil Empire NBA storyline that is LeBron James and the Miami Heat ("Goin' down, LBJ! Chosen One, my ass! You suck!"). Not really.

I think I'm bored. So submit your hobby suggestions for Christo. Deadline is next Friday at 5pm. We'll pick one out of a hat. Anything goes. And I mean anything.

But speaking of Darth Vader (BRE TOA Numero Seis Winner, BTW), I will need you to sit down for this news. A few days ago, George Lucas revealed some of the funniest fourth-order sad-funny news this 2010.

Starting in 2012, all six Star Wars films will be re-re-released in 3D, beginning with The Phantom Menace.

No response?

...

Nothing? Not even a raise of the eyebrow?

...

Me, either. Nothing. Nothing. Not a guffaw. Not a "crap!" Not even a "hmm."

You found it, George. You found the very depths of my apathy for your formerly-loved, childhood-defining little celluloid creations. 3D, huh? You go, George. You go out your way.

On dark depths of emptiness, I caved and rented Avatar this week. I believe there were only four of us left on the planet that hadn't seen it. I don't like to be last in anything. It's unseemly. And the only movies left on the shelves that I hadn't seen were buddy cop movies, which is like following the NBA in my world. Or it's...like me buying skinny jeans. So many levels of absolute wrong with that.

Movie Review: This. This caused all that? This?

It's pretty.

Darth Vader Saying, "NOOOOOOO!" (BRE TOA Winner, BTW. Did I mention that?) is probably the worst, franchise-defining in a bad way, movie line in the history of history. Yes.

But "Hold me, like you did by the lake on Naboo," is a close second.

And Avatar is LOADED with lines cozying right up on the couch with that one.

Just LOADED!

It's Dances With Wolves with blue people.

Game-changing special effects (doesn't "special effects" sound like a term old people use now?) and I guarantee it's the movie that made Lucas wet his pants and get all envious, prompting a 3D re-re-release of his little movies, but really? This made people run to get prescribed anti-depressants? This?

Iowa, 18-13.

Bi Polar Football Weekend

2010-09-20T12:59:00.006-05:00

OK, we're just going to kinda ignore the dump the Iowa special teams took in Arizona Saturday night except to say that the Iowa Message Board Moron Brigade was in strong form afterwards. Geez. Y'know, guys, the fact that the game was tied with 8 minutes left AFTER the team gave up blocked punt at their own 10, a Pick Six (Sigh...Again with this shit?), a KO return for a TD, and a missed extra point (although that kick looked good on TV to me but I guess ESPN decided it wasn't a big enough play to show us a fucking replay!**) might make you actually feel pretty good about the team? Just maybe. Even with a complete Hayden era like special teams meltdown in the 1st they actually could've won the damn thing. And the national championship wasn't gonna happen anyway, folks. Iowa flounders at least once a year, somewhere, and if it's gotta be this game then fine. Just win the conference or something..
BTW, I'm betting the house on Cal against Arizona Saturday. Just a bit too much energy for one game methinks...Paging Dr. Letdown.....

**(Side note: OK, WWL, I get that the Auburn-Clemson game went into OT and you can't control that but do we need 12 motherfucking minutes of interviews with Gene Chizik and Auburn players after the game? Jesus.).....

ANYWAY, the Chiefs took care of Christo's Perennial Clusterfuck known as the Cleveland Browns yesterday in less than dominant fashion but still, the Chiefs are 2-0. Yep. The same KC Chiefs that were a stone's throw from 1999 Iowa Hawkeye Bad the previous two years. I like what I see out of the defense and running game. Matt Cassell is average and overpaid and always will be but he doesn't need to be great. Just don't throw picks and manage the game. Done.
My gut tells me talent wise they have matured into a 7-9 or 8-8 team but take a gander at the remaining schedule:

Sep. 26 San Francisco
Oct. 3 BYE
Oct. 10 at Indianapolis
Oct. 17 at Houston
Oct. 24 Jacksonville
Oct. 31 Buffalo
Nov. 7 at Oakland
Nov. 14 at Denver
Nov. 21 Arizona
Nov. 28 at Seattle
Dec 5 Denver
Dec. 12 at San Diego
Dec. 19 at St. Louis
Dec. 26 Tennessee
Jan. 2 Oakland

2 games against Oakland and 1 against St. Louis, Tennessee, Jacksonville and Buffalo? Yes, please.

10-6 is not that crazy of a thought. Can't believe I just typed that.

My Favorite Crappy Professional Football Team Is Soooooo Going To Beat Your Favorite Crappy Professional Football Team

2010-09-19T10:59:00.005-05:00

24-21, Browns.

It's my LOCK of the week.

("That's a pretty big lock, all right.")

Al D'Amato!!

2010-09-17T18:15:00.003-05:00

Firstly, he's still alive?

Second, he's my new hero. Fantastic beatdown of some Tea party hack douchebag.

Gotta watch the whole thing..

Also, privatize Homeland Security?! Good thing the guy is a racist asshat to sweep that little idea under the rug.
Privatizing the homeland security in the same way the city of Chicago privatized those parking meters. That went well.

Mangy Dogs, Byzantine Airports & A Place To Return

2010-09-15T11:41:00.009-05:00

Two days in any city can always preserve the magic and wonder of feeling something new.

Four days, even with a gap in between to a truly beautiful place, washed some of the bloom off the rose of Lisbon for us.

Ten years ago, during a whirlwind backpacking tour of Europe, Lisbon always stuck with me. It may have been the functional decrepitude of the place or the surprising kindness of the people or maybe it was the sea air after sweating in the same three shirts for three weeks.

I wouldn't say, ten years ago, it was magical, necessarily. Just that it stuck. Like I may have missed even more beauty below the surface in my short stay there.

After this past week, I don't think I did. It's a newer city, more urbane and European instead of being only nominally connected to the Continent as it seemed before. Dots and splashes of Euro-glitz litter the landscape with more BMWs, Mercedes, Benetton and Prada than I've seen in a long time, but feeling more like a grab for new Euro-rich status than anything. Never crass or out of place, just a stark contrast for a country that, in so many other ways, shuns such grabs for attention. A palpable sense of a conscious generational break from its conservative past - right down to the dress, style and walk - was always present with anyone under 25 but Lisbon seemed to stay a sleepy city, a quiet city, a city fine with itself in every way. And the people are some of the warmest I've met.

But two or maybe three days of city quietude would have sufficed. Four days left us wanting. And we were left in such a state because we missed more aggressively-seasoned food. It's not a bland cuisine but, as confirmed by a fine gentleman in the Douro, Portuguese people like their food more...white bread. More...restrained. A little ham, a little cheese, a little bread, a little game and a lot of fruits of the sea drizzled with some olive oil will fill the bill. Maybe some fruits to accompany the party but nothing more...adventurous.

In short, we missed salt. And herbs. And we missed food that goes with the reason we took the trip in the first place - the wines of the Douro.

Two days in the Douro Valley squeezed between the four in Lisbon wasn't nearly enough and if we inverted that, this might have been the best trip yet. But if I could impart one thing to anybody, you simply will not regret one thing about staying in the Douro and, in particular, staying at Quinta do Vallado winery.

Silk Magic. Sleepy and quiet in a different and superlatively best way, the entire valley made me ruminate in the same way people bloviate about Tuscany. So...unless you want to hear about it, don't ask me about the Douro, especially if I have a little wine in me. I will sicken you. Enchanting is the best word I can think of, a word I don't think I've used...ever. Two beautifully slow days, two solid restaurants, a countryside that's a blast to drive in a rental, an infinity pool overlooking the steep, undulating hills jammed with vines just can't be beat and a winery/hotel staff that we'll remember for years. Great people, period. And there's little funnier than listening to a dog continue to bark at the echo of his previous bark as it bounces all around the valley on a pitch black and utterly silent night.

So a good trip, a relaxing trip (hot but didn't rain once) and a trip that offered a wine-centric world that we will return to very soon, maybe coupled with a Rioja excursion (just four hours away by car).

And with a total of 20-something hours in the air, I got to watch an array of movies I probably never would have seen: Date Night, The Joneses, Iron Man 2, Robin Hood and Clash Of The Titans, which I missed the last five minutes of. I'm going to pretend the Kraken wins.

One last note: British Airways...you're nice (except for your deep passion for mayonnaise and mayonnaise-based products). But unfortunately we won't be flying with you again. Because it means the probability of having to experience the Byzantine nightmare that is Heathrow Airport again. Lick my balls, Heathrow. During a connection that included four separate busses and seemed to go on forever, on the third leg, I swear we were dropped off, went inside, immediately went up an escalator, immediately went down an escalator and GOT IN ANOTHER BUS THROUGH THE SAME DOOR! If you told me that Terminal Five was in Back Ass, Arkansas, I might have believed you.

Bottle Rockets Go Off At BRE Headquarters!

2010-09-15T08:50:00.003-05:00

No, not for the Tea Party Nut Bag victory in Delaware last night that pretty much ensured the GOP of not taking over the Senate but this news!

Via the Onion AV Club:

TBS cancels My Boys

September 14, 2010

According to Entertainment Weekly, TBS has canceled My Boys, the Jordana Spiro-starring sitcom about a female sports columnist hanging out with her platonic guy pals and making frequent overt references to their Chicago surroundings. The show lost a major player this year when comedian Jim Gaffigan left, but admirably retained the same likeably low-key charm that earned it a loyal (if not exactly fervent) following—although its decline in ratings was apparently significant enough that the network felt it was not worth renewing. Its fourth season wrapped this past Sunday with a finale that was made to double as a series finale should things go this way. As the EW article mentions, Spiro and co-star Kyle Howard were already predicting the end, making plans to take roles on NBC’s Love Bites and Perfect Couples, respectively, but were forced to exit due to the demands of their TBS contracts. It remains to be seen whether this news comes too late for them to reclaim those lost jobs.

Can We Just Play This Fucking Thing Already And Move On?

2010-09-09T15:01:00.006-05:00

I'll be the first to admit that I grew up in an era where the Iowa-Iowa State game was a joke. I was gone by 1998 when the streak ended. Thank God. So, my views are skewed a bit I suppose...

But...

Jesus, I hate this game. It's an annual game against a program that acts like they win the national championship when they win the Independence Bowl! But it has been competitive at times and that just makes Iowa fans shake in fear at the incredibly mediocre Iowa State football team. 2002 was a long time ago, guys. And if Brad Banks didn't have three good fingers on this throwing hand the game is over by the 3rd. And the 2005 and 2007 teams were awful. Let's move on.
If you really want a true sense of what this "rivalry" has evolved into just take a gander at some of these Iowa State message board threads: Holy Mother of God . What the Fuck?

Not to be outdone, here's one from the Hawkeye Board: Wow.

I could've picked several from each.

Holy Christ.

I'm going to break it down:

Iowa State's small ass defense looked decent against an unbelievably awful Northern Illinois quarterback while Austen Arnaud wasn't a complete disaster and actually looked competent for 85% of the snaps. He also looked like a staggering boob in the other 15.

Iowa played a middle of the road FCS team without it's best player and a first time quarterback. They could've won by 40 if they wanted but Stanzi decided to fumble a snap and miss a wide motherfucking open Marvin McNutt by about 800 feet.

Iowa will only lose if they turn the ball over and this year's Stanzi turns into Stanzi from 2009. Could happen. Will it? Probably not.

Iowa is better. Should win. Done.

Iowa 31 ISU 13. Hawks block a punt.

T of A Winner!!!

2010-09-08T09:27:00.005-05:00

So, we're down to 4. Instead of doing head to heads I'm going to do a bit of a quick elimination round. Who will take on Picky Eaters in the final?

All are worthy no doubt..

The March Edition will not be at a snail's pace we promise. Or don't.

Dan McNeil's Dopey Love For NFL Training Camp would have had a chance if not for it being pretty darn close to last year's winner, NFL Off Season. I know they are technically two different things but they both encapsulate why the NFL, for me, went from can't miss to mostly meh. I just can't take the dopiness anymore. So, I watch the Chiefs and that's about it now. Oh, and Bear Schadenfreude.

Woooo! was something that I thought would've died by now but it's still in the Idiot American Vernacular of Stupid Ass Shit. It's why the idea of going to Mardi Gras or anything with more than 14 people doesn't appeal to me much anymore. I know I'm going to hear at least 500 of these. It's like the Rebel Yell for Mindfucks.

Summer Movie Season was just godawful but a one shot deal, ultimately. Will next Summer be better? Maybe. But I can't guarantee it. So, it may be a part of a whole different level of awful that we will have to sit through again and again. But it was abysmal and was a real dark horse to win but, in the end.....

Darth Vader Going NOOOOOO! is just so goddamn bad and frustrating and terrible and symbolic and ridiculous that it has got to be the winner. Usually you can get past something like this after a few viewings but it's atrociousness is Gouda Cheese like. Better with age and extremely smelly. Really, Lucas? Really? Frankenstein? Wow.

So we have a final. It has been put up to me to choose....

Picky Eaters vs. Darth Vader Going Nooooo!

Yes, picky eaters are annoying and just awful. I have several in my life and they get under your skin the same way a harsh dog bark or a shrill Jewish woman's voice will. Your neck twinges and you rub your eyes. Why? Because you can't say anything! It's in the same league as people who smack their food. It makes you want to kill them but it's socially unacceptable. And some people even like the picky eaters. "Wow, that's some pallet!". It's not. It's boring and predictable. It gives someone a sense of sophistication in a world that revolves around diapers and soccer. Don't think it doesn't.
But seriously, how can you top this?

This year's T of A August Edition Winner:

DARTH VADER GOING NOOOOOO!!!!

Mate's Final 4

2010-09-07T08:38:00.004-05:00

One of my favorite things to do in this blog is the bi-annual T of A. Sadly, this session has been hampered by my schedule ( I actually have writing projects to do! It's finally gonna pay off! Cue Price Is Right Failure Horn....) and my wonderful allergies which have been killing me in the insane humidity. Fun.

So, I'm gonna give you my winner today and we'll finish this thing up a week and a half slower than we usually do.

Wooo! vs. E-mailers : Wooo! wins because I was face to face with it on Saturday. At least fifteen times. It's like a disease with these people. The e-mailers are definitely annoying but you can rip them and they usually will then call. Usually.
Wooo! keeps on trucking in a 89-67 win.
Job Advice/Darth Vader: This is a tough match up but again I'm going to have to go with what has affected me more recently. I watched Revenge of the Sith yesterday. Well, part of it. The Vader scene? It's as awful as the first time I saw it. Maybe moreso....That's a sure sign of an awful thing. Job Advice is something you get even when you HAVE a job. It's unwarranted nosiness that isn't really escapable and you just learn to live with it. Vader cruises, 99-74.
McNeil vs. Man Up Ads: Two things equally meatheaded. But I think the Man Up Ads will die out. Dan McNeil's dopiness won't. Now the actual NFL season starts. Get ready for 18 consecutive hours of Jay Cutler Groin Watch on the Score. And Danny Mac will be right at the front of the parade.
The Man Up Ads are terrible but are, after all, commercials. They are predestined to be awful.
Summer Movie vs. Rush Racism: The Summer is over and I saw three movies. Three. And one was "Eat.Pray, Love"...Nuff said. Yeah, yeah I'm sure "Inception" was good but in a normal year that movie is the "HellBoy" of the Summer. This year? Citizen Kane!
Rush is a racist, homophobic, drug addled hypocrite but that's the same as it was in 2002 or 2004 or 1990 or now. He's an asshole. But I don't have to listen and I don't.
Summer Movies win after being down by 3 at half, 66-57.

The rest later today..I promise!

Christo's Winner

2010-09-03T09:33:00.005-05:00

Oddsmakers saw them as a sleeper before the tournament began.

After a first round defensive clinic that dismantled Josh McDaniels' Hard-On For Bad Quarterbacks, every bookie's phone in the country went ballistic.

The palpable desperation and utter shallowness dripping from The Type Of Personality That NEEDS To Be On TV squeaks by Reality Cooking Show Contestants' arrogance and weird delusions over what their existence means to the world in the other Final Four game in my bracket, 51-48. The insane similarities between the two teams turns it into a bore-fest. Like watching a last year's Iowa basketball team play itself. And everyone's thoughts are on the next match-up.

Picky Eaters are the Rosetta Stone for human relations.

First, something should be said. There's a difference between discerning eaters or even finicky eaters and Picky Eaters. The difference between them, I can only say, is like the Supreme Court's definition of pornography - you know it when you see it. It's in the certainty of it all. It's in the arbitrariness. It's in the seeming snap judgments. It's in the reduction of a meal down to its most basic, boring essentials because they don't like onions...and olives...and cilantro...and wet cheese...and mushrooms....and carrots...and fennel...and anything they've never tried...and my personal favorite, anything that sounds like they wouldn't like it. In short, anything that brings depth and flavor to taste.

But those proclivities are just the symptom that's showing at the moment. A Picky Eater sees the outward social world as something that needs to be controlled, a chaos that must be tamed. Their rightness and certainty on how their little world should be steered is on display at every turn and the details involving every other person circling in their dimension aren't pretty. It's going to be loud, it's going to be awkward, it's going to be boring, distressing, soul-dragging and worse, it's rarely going to be fun.

But maybe the worst of the worst is that a Picky Eater is usually someone that doesn't understand the joy of discovering something entirely new to them. They've stopped caring about new discoveries, different thoughts, challenging preconceived notions and being open to being wrong. In other words, not one scintilla of humility is typically present in a Picky Eater.

As a personality trait, it's the Rosetta Stone in many ways. If you encounter someone new in your life, pay attention to the charm and grace with which they tackle challenges to their preconceptions. A Picky Eater doesn't care about the imposition or infliction of their tastes on anybody else. If it's over something as simple as food - the basic act of chewing and swallowing something that might be as scary as new - how do you think anything else is going to go? How's that going to age? How's that going to be around on a regular basis?

It's not the only indicator when trying to understand other people. But it's a canary in the coal mine for many. Life should be fun and new. And a Picky Eater is the first sign that the person is never going to allow themselves to encounter anything new. And that's never going to be fun.

Picky Eaters wreck havoc on NFL Training Camp Optimism's defense, 110-66 and toy with The Type Of Personality That NEEDS To Be On TV in the final, cruising to a 101-74 win.

My Winner:

Picky Eaters

Christo's Final Four

2010-09-01T22:51:00.011-05:00

Today's action brought to you by something that's not awful - the new Big Ten divisional alignment.

I may not know much but I know what I hate.

...and I don't hate this.

The 2011 Iowa football schedule has a hard, thorny shell and a soft, gooey center.

Eight-game conference schedule until 2015 means we can expect two doormats in non-conference, one fair-to-middling team from a good conference (I predict Texas A&M is in Iowa's future) and Iowa State. Make that three doormats (ooooh, you're bad, Christo). So...back to Hayden scheduling but with an excuse: the conference be tough.

Penn State and Ohio State only four times each in a ten-year span? Yes, please. I'll take a dozen to go.

The Iowa out-of-division rivalry seemed like an afterthought. I would have drooled over getting Indiana but Purdue will do. Not Wisconsin is fine with me. I barely know what the Heartland Trophy looks like. It's a bull, right? I'm sure the Iowa-Nebraska game will have some weird-ass, corn-based trophy with a name that feels forced so there's that to look forward to. But Thanksgiving now means Iowa-Nebraska instead of Iowa-Minnesota, a game that always felt like a slow limp into the interminably long trek to the bowl game, anyway.

I think I like this. The schedule has a better flow. Seems linear and balanced with a build up to an ending game that will most likely mean something on the field instead of simply avoiding disaster.

I'd much rather take my chances with Michigan and Nebraska having down years or strings of down years as opposed to Ohio State and Penn State.

F'in Northwestern every year but fine...whatever.

Let's get started.

Vuvuzela Region

9) People Who Desire To Open A Restaurant vs. 12) Reality Cooking Show Contestants

Got another taste of the god-awfulness of Reality Cooking Show Contestants last night on Top Chef. Apparently, Jesus wanted Angelo to win a car and Tiffany to go home. Didn't know Jesus cared so much about who gets the Toyota Avalons in this world. The Tea Partiers would be pissed to hear such things. Everybody knows Jesus prefers American cars. They should make a misspelled sign or something.

People who want to open a restaurant typically want strangers to like them. There's nothing inherently wrong with that. It's a bit odd but most restaurant owners I've known actually do have an altruistic, community-based spirit in tow. That's odd to me but...fine!!...I guess it's a good thing.

Reality Cooking Show Contestants need strangers they can't even see to understand just how special they are and how more wonderfully wonderful everything would be if the world just understood their genius. They're attention whores. And usually mind-blowingly stupid ones at that.

Winner: Reality Cooking Show Contestants with a full-court press of narcissism, 92-61.

2) The Type Of Personality That NEEDS To Be On TV vs. 3) Leininkugel's Ads

See above. But replace the delusion over their "genius" with a sad desperation and need to be loved...once again by strangers they can't even see. The world doesn't NEED Guy Fieri people like Ryan Seacrest but they're there. Oh, they're there. Everywhere, actually. I don't bemoan someone gettin' paid while they can but offer something outside of screaming and sunglasses on the back of your head. Jus' somethin', outside of "That's Awesome!" I don't know what Seacrest offers. That whole thing baffles the shit out of me. He's a $50 million man, y'know.

Leininkugel's Ads are annoying as no Wisconsinite knows when to turn the schtick off. It's in their blood. I don't even think they know where the schtick ends and the real person begins. It's one and the same, completely melded together down to their very molten cheese-filled core. The Leininkugel's Ads are like a thick syrup of Wisconsin schtick and not a beat is missed. But every state has a weirdly cobbled together identity that feels like it was made by a focus group. It's cold up there. And it's pretty. I'll give them a break.

Winner: The Type Of Personality That NEEDS To Be On TV with a huge rebounding edge, 81-64.

BP Crosstown Cup Region

1) Picky Eaters vs. 5) The Internet

This would have been a great final. Take every person that's ever annoyed you to death with their omnipresent annoyance and I guarantee you that he or she is a picky eater. You know, like people who make taking a simple trip to Target a HUGE production...bet they're picky eaters. Or people that are always the poop in the group's soup whenever you go out for drinks after work...bet they're picky eaters. Or the person screaming at the store clerk over something ungodly stupid...bet they're picky eaters. Or the friend that can't seem to keep a boy/girlfriend...bet they're picky eaters. You get it. Every person that seems incurably annoying in your life...I will bet $20 that they're Picky Eaters.

The Internet is, in so many ways, entirely worthless. But my world's easier because of it. Not necessarily better, but oodles easier. I have complaints but what a time-saver! And time-waster but I choose to focus on the time-saving qualities for today. That will change tomorrow at around 10:45am when I get the 40th update on Paris Hilton's cocaine bust from the Chicago Tribune.

Winner: Picky Eaters in the biggest drubbing of the tournament so far, 138-78.

11) NFL Training Camp Optimism vs. 15) Getting Old

I guess NFL Training Camp Optimism is expected. Who wants to think their team's gonna suck balls from day one? Training Camp gives us that safe zone to be stupid. The NFL is so hard to predict top to bottom compared to other sports. Players turn from a gazelle to a rotting corpse so quickly and the game itself relies so much on bounces, spots, flukes and generous helpings of luck. But bad is bad and the sports media - in every town but seemingly more pronounced here - lead the armies of the stupid by beating the warrior drums with reckless abandon. I'm dumber for listening to "Bears All Access". And reading the Tribune's coverage. And watching any local TV news Bears' training camp recap.

Physically, Getting Old has sucked. But being a fat-ass for four years of my early adult life prepared me for many of the things that ail me now. I got a crash course in backache real early. Carrying weight akin to being pregnant with twins will do that. Mentally and psychologically, Getting Old hasn't been that bad at all. In fact, it's been much more breezy than I EVER would have thought. Been a pleasure in so many ways.

Winner: NFL Training Camp Optimism as their fans stuff the arena, chanting, throwing crap on the court and just generally scaring the shit out of Getting Old, 100-65.

The New Bracket

2010-08-31T12:21:00.002-05:00

I'll have a winner by Friday in my bracket.

It's vacation time starting next Tuesday (or "va-ca", as the kids say, because one more syllable is just too much to utter).

(Click to titillate)

Finally! The Shitty 16 Is Established...

2010-08-30T07:57:00.012-05:00

Rounding it out. Today's bracket brought to you by the Emmys: Watching tv through your hands has never been better.

4) Senate Republicans vs. 12) People Who Correspond Only Through E-Mail: Christo has a similar entry in his bracket but the Senate GOP, usually, had a few moderates who seemed a bit ashamed that they had a (R) under their name. Particularly when the Bat Shitters really started to take control. Remember Rick Santorum? You could see the blood rushing to John McCain's neck. Now? John McCain apparently is all gung ho Tea Party anti-immigrant, 14th amendment repealing, screw the poor, did I say I was a maverick? Forget all that. And he's just one of several. Olympia Snowe and Susan Collins and George Voinovich and that crowd usually would speak up and be relatively rational during heavily political times....Chirp....Chirp...
"You're busy. I'm busy. Everybody's busy!". George Costanza pretty much nails it. It's waaaay too much work for these people to actually pick up a phone or walk over the five feet to your cubicle and actually speak to you. I've had bosses whose office I could literally look into from my desk shoot me e-mails about something they could have shouted at a fairly moderate voice at me. And we have teenagers who obsess over texting? Gee. I wonder how that happened?
PWCOEM in a classic second rounder, pull it out on a last second jumper in triple OT, 101-100. Instant classic.

10) "Best Places To Live" Lists vs. 2) Job Advice: In a way these two are intertwined. Where are the "good" jobs? Places like Shreveport, Louisiana and Danville, Illinois! You can get a house there for cheap! Yeah, because it's DANVILLE FUCKING ILLINOIS!
Should I get a job in construction or accounting? Because I have no experience in either but applying for the job will kill some time. So will masturbating in the basement. And i think I'd accomplish more.
Job advice in a walk, 88-60.

6) This Summer Movie Season vs. 3) People Who Still Don't Get Why Fixing Your Dog Is a Good Thing: When the best movie I've seen this summer from the studios was "Eat, Pray, Love" you can pretty much guess what the state of moviemaking has come to out of Hollywood. Is this the price we're paying for years of sequels, prequels and horseshit comic book adaptations? "Scott Pilgrim"? Really? This is what passes for entertainment these days?
My dog has been repeatedly humped by my unfixed brother in law's shepherd mix now about 14 times. I'm going to bring the dog up on rape charges. It's an easy fix. A 20 minute procedure that MAY cost you 50 bucks or 100 depending on where you live. You're not hurting the dog. He's not human. He's a dog. HE has the memory of a gnat. Put some food in front of him and he'll never think about his balls ever again. But what does every vet in the fucking world know, right? Snobs. Get.Your. Dog. Fixed.
But this Summer Movie Season is so bad that it's almost unstoppable. They win with a late 15-6 run and take it, 87-82.

10) Rush Limbaugh's Barely Hidden Disdain For Non Whites vs. 2) Conservatives Who Actually Bring Up Secession: This is an easy one. The secession talk is mainly a small faction of bat shit nut jobs on the fringe. They've always been there it's just asshats like Rush who give them a voice. And even the more wacky kind of see the foolishness of even talking about it. Mostly.
So, Rush and his race bating take this one easily. The Muslim Mosque shit was just manure to his garden. Stay classy, Fat Boy. Stay classy.
Rush in a romp, 122-77.

Killing Off The Rest Of the Second Round For Christo

2010-08-29T10:44:00.005-05:00

At this time next week, a different sports feeling will dominate.

Things will shift, the weather will feel changed and thoughts will carry with them a contrasting hue.

In short, we'll know something about the quality of Hawkeye football as opposed to knowing nothing at all.

I choose not to think about a possible Northern Iowa redux. A 21-7 victory is the worst case scenario right now. Just has that..."eh...oh, boy"...feeling to it. I have the Angels and Browns to finish out the year in my sports world. In other words, very little.

Give me a satisfying Act One, guys.

Vuvuzela Region

1) Tony Hayward vs. 9) People Who Desire To Open A Restaurant

You sold a third of your BP stock a month before the oil spill, Tony? Really? Nothing unseemly about that. But Tony's been banished to the armpit of the former Russia and has been under a gag order, it seems, since the announcement that he's been replaced. I'm sure we'll get a book sometime in the future. And I'm sure it will be scintillating.

But a #1 is going down. If the entry was Tony Hayward And The BP Bullshit Machine, they'd be quite the force, but it wasn't. People Who Desire To Open A Restaurant have a similar personality trait as people who talk about "world peace" and "saving the planet." I desperately want to pay a crapload of money just to get a peek into how their everyday mind works. Like some sort of "Being John Malkovich" type-thingy where I can actually listen to the delusions of grandeur that rumble around in their brain on a random Tuesday. Talkin' about Comedy Gold, there.

I don't even get the impulse to devote one's life to giving food pleasure to random strangers, but that's probably on me. Too long in the restaurant business for Christo. But 15 years now and knowing the intimate details of how restaurants actually work makes one's jaw drop. But not in an interesting way. It's just kinda sad. And can we stop this trend of doing reality shows about restaurants, please? It's not that interesting in any way, shape or form. It just empowers the stupid.

Winner: People Who Desire To Open A Restaurant with a full-court press that stifles Tony's fleeting stupidity, 66-48.

4) The Ball-Sweating Hotness Of This Summer vs. 12) Reality Cooking Show Contestants

It wasn't brutally hot. It wasn't. This summer was a low-grade stifling heat that never saw relief; the kind of heat that left a residual, dried-sweat film on me every day. 88-92 for seemingly two months with humidity of a sauna and the return of mosquitos to boot. It just never stopped. No two days on and two days off. Just 60 straight days of ass sweat. The mere thought of a long dog walk brought visions of being drenched head-to-toe and taking a nap.

But Reality Show Cooking Contestants wins the day. The very need of someone to want to go on TV and do cute little cook-offs with Fruit Loops and soy sauce and somehow think it will define themselves as good chefs because TV said so is...weird. It's just weird. The Vuvuzela Region feels rigged. The bookmakers are crying foul. We have a three-tiered build-up going on that feels planned.

And it is.

Winner: Reality Show Cooking Contestants in a surprise romp. Their biggest strength is they have no weakness, 101-69.

3) Leininkugel's Ads vs. 6) People Who LOVE Squash Blossoms

People who LOVE Squash Blossoms continues a TOA trend and, like Truffles, Chianti, Malbec and Cannolis, it's going down. The orgasmic squealing continues, though. Just a few nights ago, in fact. On impulses again, I will never understand why people want me, a complete stranger, to know that their grandmother made them. My grandmother made blackberry jam and I don't bring it up with the supermarket clerk when I buy some. I don't care about your food bona-fides. I bring you food, watch you chew and give you the bill. That's it. We're not girlfriends. Go sell stupid someplace else. We're all full here.

Leininkugel's Ads wins because it immediately evokes every visit to Wisconsin that always involves encountering fat people shaped like Weeble Woobles, a fake-ass patois, cult-like smiles on everybody and a strange and complete fascination Wisconsinites have with being a Wisconsinite. The ads are the very personification of state pride, which is utterly weird.

Winner: Leininkugel's Ads as they steamroll through a sieve-like defense, 128-82.

2) The Type Of Personality That NEEDS To Be On TV vs. 10) Seattle Mariners

The Seattle Mariners' bandwagon at the beginning of the season wasn't unreasonable. There was a high risk-reward factor involved and things could have bent right for them this year. It was possible if so many guys didn't fall on their face. And the unreasonableness only went overboard on occasion. When it did, though, it defined baseball strange.

But this entry involves the actual team and its performance. I watch a good amount of Mariners' games and I've never seen so many groundouts in my life from hitters that look like they're straining themselves to even do that. I almost feel bad for Mariners' fans for having to watch it. It's reeeaaalll bad baseball...every night. For a team that had so much optimism coming into the season with so much payroll flexibility, it gets even worse for their fans because the rebuilding has to start all over again. They have some pieces but no more than the Indians or Orioles do, really, considering the payroll flexibilities. That's...not good.

The Type Of Personality that NEEDS To Be On TV has Guy Fieri as its pitchman, of course. But the army behind him numbers in the millions. He's Xerxes with his legions behind him, all with different and dazzlingly mediocre to awful personalities just ready to spring them on unsuspecting viewers (see anybody who takes the $4000 to appear on "Bridezillas").

NEEDING (as opposed to wanting) to be on TV is an impulse that should exit the brain right along with wanting to collect action figures and play with Barbie dolls. Leave it behind when you turn 13. It's what big-boy people do. It's part of growing up. It's akin to 6 year-old beauty pageant contestants. NEEDING something like that evokes Foghorn Leghorn. "There's somethin' not right 'about that boy." You encounter someone who seems like he/she NEEDS to be on TV, run, don't walk away. Sometimes, life is about avoiding unbridled narcissism and strangeness. It's not doctor recommended, even by the worst doctor in the world ("And somebody has an appointment with him tomorrow!")

This completes the triad. First, you have the type of personality that NEEDS to be on TV, which sometimes begets a reality show cooking contestant, which usually is someone who desires to open their own restaurant. You run into that unholy union and you've got yourself a superlative asshat. Or Brett Favre. Two sides of the same coin, really.

Winner: The Type Of Personality That NEEDS To Be On TV with its ubiquitous defensive court presence. They're everywhere trying to show off their hustle and grinderness, 80-50.

Sox Summary Saturday - The Manny Week

2010-08-28T12:00:00.004-05:00

Anybody who thinks the Sox should have claimed Brian Fuentes can hand in their baseball fan license right now.

He's freakin' awful.

It's odd that nobody's talking about what the Sox might have to give up for Manny. It's odd.

It's gonna be something. And that something probably would have to be a major league-ready guy (or close) under control for the foreseeable future.

I can't even guess who that is. Won't be Beckham, of course. But it will be somebody. Can't be pitching, you would think. Sox don't have it the minors or on the roster to give up.

The Dodgers are realistically out of it. Sure, they're 4.5 back in the Wild Card but have three teams to hurdle. But that puts them in a solid bargaining position. It's the perception that something could happen just as Kenny thinks something could happen.

Giving up a bat like Manny (again, perception in many ways) would warrant a decent return...or at least someone with upside.

I say...goodbye Jordan Danks if the trade even happens, which I don't think will.

The week's recap from last Saturday to Friday (4-3 overall, 3-1 at home, 1-2 on the road)

Offense:

.315/.362/.429 for a .791 OPS and a .351 wOBA

Walk rate: 6.5% (7.5% on the year - 26th in the majors)

K rate: 17.7% (15.8% on the year - 2nd in the majors)

BABip: .367 (.288 on the year - 25th in the majors)

Runs on the year: 606 (7th in the majors)

On the year: BA - .269 (6th), OBP - .332 (12th), SLG - .428 (7th), OPS - .760 (8th)

Those are solid numbers compared to the rest of the league.

Average w/RISP this week: .346 (27-78) Geesh! 78 opportunites. How 4-3 for the week? 1-10 in the Greinke game. 1-3 in the Matusz game. That'll do it.

But on the year, the Sox are SECOND in all of baseball with runners in scoring position with a .284 average! That's a tad surprising. Even with RISP/2 out, they have a .281 average and a nearly identical slash line. Consider me shocked.

Individually, Konerko continues to make the case for AL MVP. The guy had a .484 OBP for the week and is now sitting on a .971 OPS and projected to hit 40 homers with 110 RBI. His .412 wOBA is the best of his career. Fielding (minus 8.9) is the only thing holding him back in the WAR world. It's going to be Josh Hamilton, who's completely out of his gourd this year (or Cabrera if he gets the Triple Crown), but Konerko's playing himself into an automatic re-up after the season. Only Alexei struggled on the week with a .172 average.

The "I'm gonna steal home in the first inning" stolen bases stat: Swiped eight, caught three times. Rios a perfect three for three. They're second in the majors in swipes with 120, 32 behind the Rays but are last in caught stealing percentage. Not good.

Pitching:

Team 3.95 ERA on the week with a 4.12 xFIP. Again, not terrible numbers. Considering everything, great offense and solid enough pitching meant a winning record but these are numbers, with a little luck, could have resulted in a 5-2, 6-1 week. But that's situational baseball. Leaving guys on second four times against Greinke results in losses and hurt because...

This was the week to gain more than a 1/2 game on the Twins as they dropped three of four to the Rangers.

Started the week 4 games back and ended the week 3.5 games back.

Santos is starting to show some wear on his arm as he...well...has never pitched, period, before this season and we're in new territory as to how his arm holds up over the long haul. Bad time for that with his role in high-leverage situations increased. Great spot start by Peña Saturday because of the Joe West (really Ozzie) debacle. Still $5.5 million to be paid to Linebrink next year. For that. Thorton and Putz to the DL. There were reports that four of the arms in the Toronto bullpen were claimed on waivers. This could be a surprise on Tuesday. No Manny and Scott Downs instead. He's a lefty having a great season. All the Manny talk started before Putz and Thorton went to the DL. Or it could be Kevin Gregg, which would make Christo laugh in a sad way.

Inter Alia

* Six game week, off Thursday

* Two more against the Yankees at home, then three in Cleveland (oh, boy) and the start of three in Boston. The Cleveland series starts a 10 game road trip that ends with four in Detroit.

* It's Sabathia vs. Danks today and Floyd vs. Nova Sunday. No White Sox hitter has seen Nova, blah, blah, blah. Talbot vs. Buehrle Monday. 3-0 with a 1.57 ERA this year against the Sox, 5-11 with a 5.03 ERA against the rest of the league. You know the story. Josh Tomlin vs. Garcia Wednesday. Tomlin hasn't been awful this year and...hasn't faced a Sox hitter. Lackey on Friday is beatable. $17 million a year for that. So glad the Angels didn't hop on that train. Hey, there's one bright spot in an otherwise crap-ass year.

We Keep On Goin'

2010-08-28T06:42:00.007-05:00

Today's action brought to you by Judge Judy's voice. How has someone not popped her in the mouth? Me! Me! Pick me!

4) Dan McNeil's Dopey Joy For NFL Training Camp Starting vs. 13) Buying Something at Walgreen's: This goes out to anyone who gives more than a passing shit about pre season NFL games: They. Don't. Matter. The players don't give a shit, the coaches just want to get through them without significant injuries and the NFL uses them as a reason to gouge people out of hundreds of dollars for a damn ticket to a game that is mostly being played by guys who have no chance of seeing the field in a real game. I get that you're excited for football but this isn't it. And Dan encapsulates those people.
Walgreen's is awful but temporary. I rarely go in there anyway as I have to actually park and walk in. But the sheer drudgery of the store and it's existence basically for medicine and last minute Mother's Day cards gets it a nice chance against an average participant...
But McNeil's overzealous joy for stupid shit like NFL Training Camp is too strong in the middle and cruise to a 89-77 win.

1) WOOOOO!!! vs. 8) Today Show Financial Advisers: Woo! We're gonna get drunk...Woo! Go (insert team name)! Woo!! I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND! WOO!
I'm showing my tits! Woo! I sat on a porcupine quill! Woo! I'm going to the Iowa game next Saturday. I put the over/under on Woo! as I walk to the stadium at 78.
Today Show Financial Advisers are chock full of common sense (and by common sense I mean 'duh'!) advice like " Don't pay more for a boat than you can afford" or nuggets like "Student loans DO accrue interest" for the truly ignorant. Gee, I can't imagine why 75% of Americans are in debt if this is the type of advice they need. Not judging as much as observing...No, judging. Dumbasses.
But Woo! is in my immediate future and I don't have a remote like I do when the Today Show is on.Woo! is almost perfect from 3 point range and WOOO! ....99-65.

And, yep, this just about sums up Raider Nation...or Romeoville. Or both.

Second Round Keeps On Truckin'

2010-08-26T10:22:00.005-05:00

I'm in the same boat at Mate.

It's been a glacial place for the TOA this time but I'm okay with that. We'll get there.

In Ney house news, I can recommend TempurPedic. Still going through some breaking-in-the-bed pains but I see big things on the horizon from this one.

Let's get started.

BP Crosstown Cup Region

3) The Return Of The Mustache vs. 11) NFL Training Camp Optimism

Toughie. The Return Of The Mustache, in my world, is done by good people who are simply trying on a new persona. The impulse to gravitate towards a "the more stupid and socially repulsive, the better" affectation like a mustache is a bit perplexing but not really given the mind-blowingly stupid things I did as a 20-something (I was a gel-boy way too long, wore jorts well into '94, had a flat-top until '92).

Upset. The unintentional creepiness of a mustache on some people can't beat a sibling of the last BRE TOA winner, The NFL Off-Season. It might not go far but it's just so timely. And it's great to see people eat their own shit as soon as pre-season games start. All it takes every year is for that first pre-season game to expose the stupidity and it happens in a split-second. "This Bears' line could be much improved!" Nope. Bad. "This D-line is going to make the safeties better!" Nope. Just awful. I still don't know how Garret Wolfe has an NFL job but I can only guess it's because of Training Camp Optimism. Good teams don't have Mr. Wolfe as a #3 running back.

Hard Knocks shows it in all its glory. And I beg HBO to do the Bears next year. PLEASE! Every sport has this sort of unbridled optimism in some form but the NFL, more than any other sport, breeds, encourages and downright needs this sort of meatheaded optimism. It's what the league thrives on. And that's mostly why my attention has gone elsewhere in the last 10 years. That and the Browns suck ("But I don't know...they could be good this year.").

Winner: NFL Training Camp Optimism with a raucous fanbase fueling their emotions, 91-79.

11) GOP Senators Who Want To Repeal The 14th Amendment vs. 15) Getting Old

GOP...14th Amendment really should have been a much broader entry. Something akin to the batshit, desperate lunacy that some GOP person said today or didn't denounce this week as the ramblings of a crazy person. Reviewing the 14th Amendment is now off the table. The talk on that went dark real quick. That what happens when Lou Dobbs says it's utterly crazy. Stuff like Lou Dobbs calling something crazy makes one reflect a bit.

Getting Old manifested itself just two days ago. As I mentioned, we got a new bed delivered. One of the benefits to this new-fangled and fancy bed is that it will relieve back and joint pain, blah, blah, blah. We were having it delivered between 10-1 so I woke up at nine in order to clear out the bedroom so the delivery guys can set it up. They called two minutes after I got up and said they could deliver it in ten minutes. Said yes and made a mad dash to clean out the room and promptly pulled my back doing so. Yes...I threw out my back trying to clear out the room for a bed that's supposed alleviate such things.

Winner: Getting Old with their timeless gameplan that will affect the game for years to come, 98-82.

Christo's Second Round Gets Goin'

2010-08-25T10:45:00.000-05:00

It's unforgivable, Kenny.

Ab-sol-UTE-ly unforgivable.

This is the kind of thing that sours me on your White Sox reign.

The kind of thing that makes me feel a touch embarrassed that I've defended you all these years.

Nobody with a rational brain chooses to see Carlos Mencia.

Let's get started.

BP Crosstown Cup Region

1) Picky Eaters vs. 8) Matt Spiegel's Baseball Acumen

The Picky Eater personality trait is a by-product of something else, something resembling not getting enough attention as a kid but it's not quite that. It always seems to be related to people that believe it's of paramount importance that the outward social world understand that they have control over every aspect of their lives. That they are discerning, they are selective, they are discriminating, they make real choices in their lives.

It's like, in their minds, they've created a composite character made up of all the people in the history of their lives that judged them and made them feel small and thrust that character onto any stranger/imminent choice in their lives to show them how wrong the rest of the world is. It's an opportunity to right perceived wrongs instead of making a salient, thoughtful choices. And it's usually people who acquired knowledge and sophistication wrongly, using it as a weapon as opposed to improving and enjoying one's life.

All that usually leads to weird outbursts, like screaming at a retail clerk because a store doesn't carry their soy cheese anymore. Somehow, the discontinuation of the soy cheese is a personal slight. The soy cheese decision-makers made their choice to not carry it anymore expressly because it would piss this person off. It symbolizes so much that is wrong with the world in their eyes.

If you encounter a Picky Eater in your life, run. It isn't going to get better. The more you know about a Picky Eater, the more you'll hate them. The Smallness! The Smallness! The picky eating is just a symptom of something SO much bigger.

I'm going to give Spiegel a pass. At least he can carry on a cogent conversation about baseball outside of Chicago. There's an effort there. He doesn't take it much further than simple observation and his reaction to things that he can't go deeper on never goes beyond, "Umm-Hmm." I just get irked that he's a guy that could offer something and he really doesn't. With McNeil whacking off to the NFL pre-season everyday, Spiegel could help and doesn't. But he's not wildly baseball stupid, he's just not particularly baseball interesting.

Winner: Picky Eaters as they take their weirdness and channel it for an offensive explosion, 131-78.

4) "Boise State Is Going To Win The National Championship!" vs. 5) The Internet

Well...Boise State came in at #3 in the pre-season AP poll. Wait...I'm going to take a quick break...seems the microwave may be a hidden killer in the kitchen...huh...Fresno seems to be a good place to retire...some Ohio cornerback is checking out Iowa...Sox are now 3 1/2 back and Thorton's on the DL...Indiana drivers are ducking Illinois tolls...high of 79 today...that condo down the street just keeps dropping in price...Slate declared the end of 3-D...Shit, I was talking about Boise State wasn't I? I'm now actually starting to get interested in that Virginia Te...Montario Hardesty seems to like himself a bit - geesh!...

Screw it! I can't be trusted to focus.

Winner: The Internet wins it with their Svengali-like distractions, 110-50.

Tortoise Version of T of A Rolls Along....

2010-08-25T08:38:00.006-05:00

Today's bracket brought to you by the idiot wearing "Impeach Obama Now" t-shirt behind home plate at the Sox game last night. Yes, dingus, we see ya'.....Cock.

Anyway, Mate hasn't had alot of time the last few days to get to his second round. We hope to have this done by the first Iowa game. At this rate, maybe the Penn State game?

Darth Vader Going "Nooooo!" vs. Nostalgia For Video Games: I recently watched "Revenge of the Sith" (partially) and waited through the interminable final battle scene between Obi-Wan and Anakin to get to the point where Vader does his Frankenstein bullshit. It's worse every time you watch it. Mainly because it's another nail in a coffin of a film franchise that made me so happy as a youth. It's become horrifyingly apparent that there really was only two good films in the whole thing and I've wasted alot of time watching crappy movies.
I actually have an old Sega and Magnavox system that my father in law gave me to see if I could get rid of it on e-bay. I'm starting the bidding at 100 bucks. For an ancient game system that sucked to begin with. It's just another example of guys my age that get nostalgic for bullshit.

But Darth Vader is on fire and is going to be tough to stop as he jumps out to a 19-5 lead and cruises, 78-54.

Photo Enforced Traffic Lights vs. Miller Lite Man Up Ads: PETL just reek of Nazi Germany. Well, ok, that's a tad dramatic. It certainly seems like an idea that Hitler wouldn't have had a problem with. It doesn't increase safety (in fact, the opposite) it is only a revenue generator that gets money to pay for more crap that we don't need. And nice randomness on where you put them up.
MLMUA are more infuriating the more you watch. Apparently there's several. What do the women in the board room at the ad agency say when Douchey McFrat pitches this crap? I'm not against pushing the envelope but this is just blatant lowest common denominator stuff that works on the Meathead Brigade effectively. "I'm not a man if I drink this!" is so unbelievably stupid and juvenile that anyone who does it that is over the age of 18 is a fucking dick.

Man Up Ads have a rally in them at the end and pull off the HUGE upset. I think cities are starting to wise up to the dumbassery of PETLs. Man Up Ads get to the Sweet 16 on a wing and a prayer, 71-68. The nation watches.

Help........................Me!

2010-08-22T23:23:00.003-05:00

I can't get this damn song out of my head!

Sox Summary Saturday - I Have No Idea What That Feels Like

2010-08-21T09:19:00.004-05:00

What?

The Sox crap their pants every time they're in the Minneapolis city limits?

No! (cue up Angels' highlights in Boston)

We seem to have found out one thing, though. It wasn't the dome.

Knowledge is good.

As long as we're getting nostalgic lately with talk of high school football. Mate and I know one way to lift hexes, a certain simultaneous recitation of a four-letter word referring to the posterior exorcises even the toughest demons. There is a restaurant in Minneapolis I've been wanting to go to. Shall we next year?

Short SSS today. We have a birthday in the Ney house.

17-17 since the break. It's not Kenny's failure to acquire a bat at the deadline. It's not Ozzie's failure to keep Thome because of one freakin' hit. Let's remember what this team was during the first two months. Cue Dennis Green: "They are what we thought they were!": An 86-76-ish team. It just didn't happen the way we all thought.

Is it over? Nope. 4 1/2 games back with 40 to play? Insurmountable! It doesn't feel like a team that can put a run together right now but visions of doom were rampant just two months ago as well. It's baseball. There isn't much logic to it. "Momentum is tomorrow's starting pitcher."

Then again, if they get swept in Kansas City...don't mess with Bryan Bullington and Phillip Humber.

And Joe West has to be trying to be this awful (and a more petty person would have put him in the BRE TOA...like me.). Like someone else in my life, today's technology is helpful. Use it. Just check the fancy moving Doppler radar. It's what thinking human beings do before starting a baseball game with a monsoon on the way. That's one screwed up rotation because of last night.

The week's recap from last Saturday to Friday (1-4 overall, 0-2 at home, 1-2 on the road)

Offense:

.346/.391/.545 for a .936 OPS and a .407 wOBA. And 1-4 on the week.

Walk rate: 6.9%

K rate: 14.1%

BABIP: .369

Average w/RISP: .302 (19-63)

Nine players had a wOBA over .350 for the week. Jones, Konerko and Pierre were over .550. It wasn't the offense. Three of their four losses on the week were by one run. Even taking out the 11-run explosion Thursday, they averaged 5.5 runs in their losses since Saturday. So...they apparently missed adding a stick? What were they going to have to do? Outslug everyone to win the division? I have to stop listening the Score callers.

The "I'm gonna steal home in the first inning" stolen bases stat: Pierre swiped four, A.J. caught once.

Pitching:

Um...your judgmental eyes can rest squarely here. Buehrle-Jackson = good. Danks and Floyd = bad. Freddy is turning into a pumpkin. But a 1-4 record rests on the bullpen. Yes, fastball in on Thome, Matt. He never hits that. Putz tried to pitch through pain on Sunday and it showed. And Pe ña exceeded his badness the next inning. Putz wins, though. Saturday's ninth inning implosion hurt more, wiping a great Jackson outing off the books.

What was a strength is becoming a huge concern. Danks and Floyd will be fine. But if they have to thread the needle every outing because the bullpen can't be trusted, this could get messy. Putz - shoulder. Jenks - bad. Linebrink - old and bad. Peña - putrid. Santos - 13 hits and 5 walks in 11.1 innings since the break. Thorton - shaky lately. Sale over the last 10 days has been the lone bright spot. That's not good. Didn't take long for this to completely fall apart. And it's not innings pitched. It's not like it's the workload. Sox relievers have thrown the third-least bullpen innings in baseball.

Inter Alia

Full week even with being off Monday. Seven games with the doubleheader today (three games in 24 hours against KC). Sox hitters have barely faced Bullington (Teahen 2-4 with two solo shots). Nine total at-bats against Phillip Humber. So...a doubleheader that starts at 6pm because of the stupid MLB Saturday TV rules and they're facing two guys they haven't seen much of at all. How can that go wrong?

Peña for the Sox in Game Two. Greinke Sunday.

Baltimore's three best pitchers in the mid-week series (except when Brad Bergesen faces the Sox). Matusz just shut out the Rangers. Arrieta was the tough luck loser Friday, giving up one earned into the seventh, losing to C.J. Wilson, a guy who can come back down to Earth anytime now. Guthrie just shut down the Sox and has a 2.17 ERA since the break.

And Javy returns to U.S. Cellular on Friday for the first time since... They pummeled him on May 1 in New York (the Jones two-homer game). Since then, he's been marginally decent (8-6, 3.87 ERA with a .227 BAA).

It's been bad-good-bad this year. The question seems to be WHEN and IF another good run is in them. Best place to do it w/r/t the schedule. KC and Baltimore are as easy as it gets for a bit.

Hey. I got through an entire SSS without mentioning Hawk and the game Tuesday. How 'about that?

Hey! We Missed An Anniversary!

2010-08-20T10:58:00.007-05:00

It was 20 years ago two weeks ago that Mate and Christo decided to pass on "Sprints!" and "Monkey Rolls!" for a year.

For Christo, it was probably his first adult decision based on thinking, "Hey, I don't have to do that if I don't want to."

I seem to recall a thoroughly fun baseball tournament, various trips to Mr. Quick's, tons of pick-up basketball and most importantly, NOT doin' two-a-days.

That should have been celebrated in some form.

I feel like we missed a seminal anniversary more important than any birthday.

The new bracket:

(Click to arouse)

We'll finish up the second round by next week...or not.

Don't be buggin'.

Round It Out....

2010-08-19T09:30:00.009-05:00

And I finally get to the end of my 1st round. It's been a helluva week. Anyway, today's bracket brought to you by my sinus infection which is now entering it's 3rd week! Good times. Nothing like wanting to nap everyday at Noon. It's like I'm 90.

4) Senate Republicans 13) Pat Quinn: Do they actually stand for anything that isn't a calculated political move? All of a sudden we seem to care about "paying'" for stuff. Bush tax cuts? Poppycock....Wars in Iraq and Afghanistan? Pffft....Pentagon Budgets completely out of control? America Hater!
From Jon Kyl and Judd Gregg admonishing those slacker 8 million unemployed leeches to go out and "get a job" that doesn't fucking exist to "exploring" the removal of the 14th amendment even though it has absolutely NO chance of happening this group is not only beyond revulsion but almost as slimy as the last time they ran things.
Pat Quinn is a guy that sort of just became governor. He seems more like someone that should be taking my loan application or something. Kind of over his head. Good idea, Pat. Let's raise taxes on people in a state that has one of the highest property and sales tax rates in the nation. That'll help. Oh, and while you're at it, cut the government agencies except YOUR office. That's a good move.
He will lose and lose badly. It's not all his fault. His predecessor had a lot to do with it but he's a boob. I don't know how crazy I am about his opponent but I won't vote for him.
But Senate Republicans take this one easily with a stifling 2-2-1 zone and cruise to a 81-55 win.

2) Job Advice 15) University of Texas and What's Left of the Big 12: Oh, God, job advice. Everyone is willing to give this up at the drop of a hat. "Why don't you get a job in construction?" or "I saw that Macy's is hiring." You wanna just slap the floor and scream. It's so easy for someone to tell you to go apply at the Verizon store when they aren't the ones that have to actually work there. I got laid off. I didn't quit. I didn't get fired. I paid taxes out of my paycheck that went to pay for Unemployment Benefits. Fuck you, I'm not taking a part timejob at Jamba Juice.
The whole Big 12 thing had a chance if this tourney took place a few months ago but the whole thing has fizzled. Yeah, the conference is now a bunch of Texas' ass bitches but it's really always been like that. Texas is awful in so many ways that to just pick on it's state university seems short sighted. The Big 12 bored me anyway. Just saying Kansas versus Colorado makes my eyelids sag.
Job advice cruises, 101-66.

Careful....Careful...

2010-08-18T15:12:00.008-05:00

Today's action brought to you by Brandon Wegher needing to pick a fucking lane.

4) Dan McNeil's Dopey Joy For NFL Training Camp Starting 13) The Amount of Pillows On People's Beds: I really haven't had a great deal of opinion on Dan McNeil. He certainly was a step up from Mike Murphy but a slightly retarded Baboon would've done the same thing. I never really listened to him on WMVP, mainly because of Harry, and he seems like a fairly amiable fellow with at least a passing knowledge of sports. Much more than a good 75% of sports radio guys can say. But his butt love for the opening of training camp every year is so childish and meatheaded and stupid in a town brimming with it that to find another more stupefyingly asinine thing to get excited about this much is hard. The Emmys maybe? It's practice. No more, no less. I have visited Chiefs training camp. It was interesting for a good fifteen minutes. Lots of standing around. Lots of drills that lead to nothing.
The Onion kind of nails it:

NFL Fans Turn Out In Droves To Watch Men Touch Cones

NEW YORK—Fans of professional football turned out more than 100,000 strong last week to watch grown men perform calisthenics, huddle around one another, and even run up to and touch orange cones, spokesmen for the NFL said Wednesday. "There is nothing better than driving to Green Bay to see real, full-fledged adults dress up in team-colored gym shorts and T-shirts and jog around the practice field in a desultory fashion," Chicago resident Jan Bryant told reporters. "Sit-ups, squats, and milling around and taking water breaks… You just never know what amazing stuff you're going to see at training camp." While the NFL would not comment on plans for the second week of training camp, fans were excited by rumors that some teams were planning a session of throwing and catching an actual football.

Now, my wife has a good 6 pillows on our bed and I think that is about 4 too many. But it's nothing compared to some people. I've been to homes where. literally, the entire bed is covered with decorative, uncomfortable and itchy pillows. Why? What is our fascination with these things? Why must we have an armada of soft things to put our heads on while we slumber? Getting into bed should take no more than 4 seconds. I shouldn't have to shed contraband for 5 minutes. It's White people BTW.....Totally White.

But Dan McNeil's love for meaningless bullshit is in full swing right now. it's hard to top current awfulness but Pillows gives it a good fight as they burn out down the stretch in a 78-73 win for McNeil.

2) Conservatives Who Actually Bring Up Secession 15) Dr. Oz Diet Tips: Well, I guess that "My country love it or leave it" shit went out the window...After 9/11 Republican asshammers derided anyone who dared showed any skepticism to Bush or any of his "pro America" policies. They were told to "watch what they say" and "your either with us or against us". But that all went by the wayside when a liberal Black guy got some policies they didn't like passed. We actually have had congressmen and governors (Yeah, the one from Texas.) openly calling for the possibility of secession. Yep. Even though it's illegal and against every state constitution and completely undoable it's still a good way to get the Porch Dwellers to side with you. This has a long run ahead so I'll leave it at that for now.

Dr. Oz? He means well. But "boiled nuts" for a snack? Half a cup of plain yogurt? Come on, dude. I go and order an Oreo Blizzard just to spite him. Boiled nuts?

But this one is over 5 minutes in as Secession cruises to a 101-56 win.

I'll round out my first round tomorrow and then onto the 2nd. Hope to go a bit quicker now and be done by end of next week. Hope to.

The New Bracket

2010-08-17T13:20:00.005-05:00

Brought to you by fake outrage that panders to the stupid.

Paul Sullivan is now on the BRE idiot list.

Just because morons think caviar is outrageously expensive doesn't mean all of it is.

My favorite part of his piece, though:

"No one was blaming the caviar for the Cubs' 9-5 loss to the first-place Padres on Monday, but the mere idea of serving caviar to a fifth-place team that began the day 17 games out of first place was akin to the chairman of BP going yachting during the height of the Gulf Coast oil spill disaster."

HO-LY shit! Yep, Paul. Just like it.

You don't eat caviar by the bucket, Paul. And most can be bought fairly cheaply for such a thing. Flying fish roe is delicious. And a small tin is $5.

Moron.

Yes..."They eat like royalty but don't play like it." Shut up.

click to stimulate

Oh, For the Love of God....

2010-08-17T10:45:00.004-05:00

If you didn't think the South was full of a bunch of brain dead half retarded rubes already then try this one on for size...

An Arkansas radio personality has been fired from her job two days after she wore a Florida Gators hat into a press conference with Razorback head coach Bobby Petrino.

Renee Gork announced, through the magic of Twitter, that she'd been axed by KAKS, which calls itself Hog Sports Radio.

Gork drew the ire of Petrino by wearing the offending cap and having the audacity to ask a question.

Petrino was less than thrilled about answering questions from anyone wearing the colors of a school that edged Arkansas 23-20 last year.

"That will be the last question I answer with that hat on," Petrino said.

Gork said she grabbed the hat without thinking because it was raining and was hoping to apologize publicly to both Petrino and the army or Razorkback fans.*

Now, she won't get that chance.

KAKS general manager Dan Storrs confirmed in a telephone interview with The Associated Press that Gork was no longer working for the station but declined to comment further, saying it was a personnel matter. **

However, he added, "This radio station is Hog Sports Radio. We are very biased. We support the Razorbacks 100 percent."***

Because Bobby Petrino is the ultimate in human decency. How many employers did you walk out on, asshole?
If I was her...lawsuit. Seriously. You can't fire someone for wearing a motherfucking HAT, you Ass Backward Hayseeds.
I have actually spent time in Arkansas and this surprises me not one bit. Wow.

* Why? Tell 'em to eat a dick.

** Uh-huh.

*** Go fuck yourself. It's a fucking FOOTBALL TEAM, you jagass.

Mate's Bracket Keeps On Chugging....

2010-08-16T19:15:00.008-05:00

The T of A crawls along. It's the Dog Days.....Whatever.

Today's bracket brought to you by JJ Putz deciding to suck ass all of a sudden...Alex Avila? Really?

3) People Who Still Don't Get Why Fixing Your Dog Is a Good Thing 14) Anderson Cooper's Growing Smugness and Self Righteousness:
I have met several folks who I am not only friends with but also admire a great deal who have not fixed their dogs. Why? Because it ranges from "it makes them pee everywhere" (Ummm, no, actually it's the exact opposite) to "I hate doing that to another guy" (Slaps forehead and falls backwards). Unless you are a breeder (and by breeder I mean someone who actually does it right: Litters every two years or so, good lineage, proper care not "I'm gonna git me one of them there Yorkie Terriers and make me some money!") then there is no reason your dog should keep it's junk. I don't want to get on a soap box here but take a trip down to your local shelter and walk around. Dog after dog that doesn't have a home and many of which will be put down. Why? Because Shirtless Ron Dickface can't scrounge up 75 bucks to get his dog's nuts taken off. Do it. There is no downside to it. None. Ask a real breeder.
Andersen Cooper is just annoying and smug. He has good company: all of TV. But his "rise" (However did he get ahead? Being a Vanderbilt? How?) was so manufactured and planned that you could set your watch to it. Now, he's "asking the tough questions" with his steel jaw and no nonsense glare. Barf. It's CNN. You still have Larry King and James Carville. It's a Goblin Convention.
But PWSRTGDF in a "walk". Get it? Ignorance will always beat arrogance in this tournament. 90-56. Over at half.

8) Miller Lite "Man Up" Ads 9) Peyton Manning's Omnipresence:
I am by no means a staunch feminist. I think alot of times the lefties get a bit too bent outta shape about how women are portrayed in ads. Particularly because, in the last 10 years or so, men have been made to look like slack jawed simpletons who are only good at fucking things up, in just about every commercial out there. So, a few girls show off their tits to sell beer or chicken wings? So what? Tits are nice.
But these "Man Up" ads from Miller Lite are so Frat Boy Stupid and border line hateful towards females that I am almost embarrassed to have a penis. Almost. First off, it's Miller Lite. It's making love in a canoe. Fucking close to water. Second, my manhood hasn't been questioned since I was maybe 19 about what booze I chose to drank. Yeah, if I saw a guy drinking Purple Passion I might give him a barb or two but to conjure up, yes I'll say it, sexist buffoonery is not only stupid, it's kinda, sorta offensive.
It's fucking American swill beer. It's for tailgating and garage fridges.
Here's a taste:
Oh, BTW, "Cool friend" at the end there-- A) Close your fucking mouth when you eat, asshole and B) Look more like every douche I ever met in college.

Peyton Manning has not seen a product he is not willing to whore for. The list is too long to go through but he goes just about anywhere to get a check. I can't find it anywhere but if you have seen the Lifelock ad where he and his brother and dad sit in sweaters talking about ID Theft than his shilling at his worst, has evaded your consciousness. Feel lucky.
But Manning seems like a fairly decent guy and he's not as stilted as most athletes are so that's probably why he gets to do them. He had no chance against "Man Up" as they cruise to a 84-66 win after a nice 11-0 run to start the second half.

Rounding Out Christo's First Round

2010-08-14T13:33:00.012-05:00

Today's action brought to you by the first sign that fall is just around the corner.

No, not the beautiful weather last night.

Not the playoff races starting to take shape.

Not Iowa football getting closer with each day.

It's hearing Doug Buffone's voice. He's an example of a man aging like fine wine, a guy who, like North, is a complete gimmick but I've come around to loving the crap out of him. Doug and O.B. after Bears games is some of the best unintentional avant-garde radio out there.

Let's get to the last of the first round action.

3) The Return Of The Mustache vs. 12) LeBron James's Inner Child

The gaggle of late-term Gen X'ers I grew up with were a sorry lot. I could easily be convinced that the current crop of 20 somethings have more going for them and are better adjusted psychologically to tackle life's problems than my group of Gen X'ers that excelled at one thing: Bitching. What did they bitch about? "What d'ya got?"

But (and there was going to be a 'but') if my late-term Gen X brethren had one thing, it was, in many ways, a group think that possessed strident gate keepers of taste, style, fashion and thought on all those in relation to the outward appearance of the social dynamic. I am, IN NO WAY, saying that this was a good thing. It just was. In fact, it made for some odd manifestations (see flannel and jorts on men).

Today, with the fragmentation of the Gen Y audience due to the Internet, Facebook, blah, blah blah, you have a myriad of tiny groups of 20 somethings that are, in key ways, so entirely detached from the mother ship of generation group think that the only judgment w/r/t odd social appearance choices comes from cranky dicks like me (see hipster military hats and humongous sunglasses).

Sure, I can bitch about the today's 20-something fashion being entirely derivative of the 70s (see skinny jeans, ringed tees and just generally bowing at the altar of shabbiness), making for the easy argument that the generation overall lacks the cross-generation tentacles that would have informed them as to the reason 70s fashion died a quick death in the first place. Every generation has their blind spots. And I will say that the Internet has a great side-effect. It takes one viral video to utterly destroy bad fashion choices in a flash. Grunge went on forever!

But another side-effect is the echo chamber created by their self-imposed tiny tech groups many in the Gen Y congregation live in. Some seem to live like a shut-in and never get the memo. So, coupled with the allure of the shabby life and their shut-in social tendencies and framed by the Gen Y meme of a complete break from the past, you get people who choose to live in hovels, avoid bathing and grow bad mustaches that make them look like a rapist (how's THAT for a stream-of-consciousness judgment?).

Every eight years or so, the mustache peeks out of its hole as a fashion statement and usually dies a quick death. This one seems to have legs because nobody's manning the front desk telling them that it makes them look like a creepy pedophile.

I don't have much to say about LeBron James and his inner child. I don't watch the NBA. Just seemed like an weak choice done weirdly. Seemed like a wimp move.

Winner: The Return Of The Mustache in a rout, playing well above their actual talent because nobody told them they suck, 128-70.

2) People Who Think The Bush Tax Cuts Should Be Extended vs. 15) Getting Old

I'm infinitely vexed by some sectors of the Republican Party. Their core voting base - people of the land, the common clay of the South and non-industrial Midwest and West - abhor "elitist Wall Street robber barons" yet somehow were sold a line two decades ago that these "Richey-Riches" are the ones that determine their own future and should be given everything they ask for. I guess I never got it. Always seemed to be the definition of disconnect.

If tax cuts given to the top 5-6% of individual Americans (cuz that's the majority of it. Let's not fool ourselves.) are a right and just way to re-re-re-stimulate the economy, why not just give it directly to small and medium-sized businesses? If jobs are the goal, give it to the actual entity that creates those jobs instead of some implied trust that an individual (a sizable portion don't even own businesses) will use it to "do the right thing." Seems sloppy, haphazard and blindly hopeful, like ordering every dish on the menu at the restaurant in the hopes of finding one that satisfies you.

Weird times, these. We have small segments of the GOP wanting revisit not one but two Constitutional Amendments (the direct election of Senators being a new laughable one) while having elements screaming about the deficit yet want to extend the one thing that added the most to the structural deficit since 2000 (the last year there was a surplus). I agree with some of it (retirement, pensions and capital gains saw some more reasonable adjustments). Obama must address the deficit and very soon (bold statement, Christo). But extending the cuts in their present form would be like eating an entire cake in one sitting. Might feel good while it's happening but the effect will be felt for days.

But we have an upset. Getting Old has been a pleasure in many ways. Intellectually and emotionally, it's been a joy in that so much strange angst present in my 20s has fallen by the wayside. Physically, it's a different story. The thought of playing a casual basketball game scares the hell out of me. A busier-than-usual week at work knocks me for a freakin' loop! Intermittent back problems, foot arch problems, hip issues, leg muscle problems and just general soreness usually rotate as the ache du jour.

But the piéce-de-rèsistance happened last week. I went to the doctor to get my blood work numbers updated for a health insurance discount (fine on that end, thankfully) and got my height, weight and blood pressure as well. Haven't had my height officially measured in years.

And I've shrunk! A half-inch! I'm starting to shrink!

I tried to make mental excuses like "I really didn't stand up straight enough" but the fact remains, I'm shrinking.

I could write off the other things as general wear and tear but shrinking? Still dealin'.

Winner: Getting Old as they resign themselves to a slow-down stalling game and remarkably win, 38-35.

Sox Summary Saturday - It Will Happen Someday.

2010-08-14T10:34:00.006-05:00

I promise.

I promise that Dayan Viciedo will be back up with the club soon and someday...he will...I promise...talk a walk.

Have faith, my peeps.

He's a bit of a swinger.

This week's feature spotlight looky-loo is a quick glance at the off-season payroll commitments in the AL Central. It's never too early to look ahead.

These are the payroll commitments for 2011 before arbitration raises and the re-signing of guys eligible for free agency.

Twins: $72.350 million

Key free agents: Pavano (likely back - currently makes $7 million), Thome (team has said they want him back - 600 homers around the corner), Guerrier and Crain (both having solid seasons in middle relief). Key arb-eligibles: Liriano, Young and Capps should see significant raises in arbitration.

Result: Expect little movement. More likely to flip quantity for quality to get a starting arm.

White Sox: $75.425 million

Key free agents: Konerko (If I had to bet, he'll be back), Pierzynski (gone), Vizquel (old), Putz (back), Garcia (interesting case). Key arb-eligibles: Danks (big raise a comin'), Jenks (ugh), Quentin (probably stays around $3-4 million).

Result: Marginal flexibility here. More than I thought. Could have about $8-10 million to play with after (and if) they re-sign Konerko.

Tigers: $55.525 million

Key free agents: Everyone bad or not worth it. Magglio's injury saved the team $15 million. Key arb-eligibles: Nobody worth mentioning.

Result: Team to watch. $80 million shed from this year's payroll. This year's Mariners.

Royals: $40.030 million

Key free agents: It's the Royals. Chen and Bloomquist are the only ones eligible so... Key arb-eligibles: Butler might see a couple million more.

Result: Might have about $25-30 million to play with. But it's Dayton Moore running the sandbox.

Indians: $27.455 million

Key free agents: Nobody even eligible. Key arb-eligibles: Choo will see a bump and will probably sign a multi-year deal at some point in the off-season (Boras red light).

Result: A savvy off-season with this much flexibility could make them at most troublemakers in 2011 (read: .500).

We'll go deeper into this later here at the BRE but the AL Central is the division that could easily be the division to see the most movement this off-season. Sox are positioned fairly well to match moves and the Twins are the team that seem to be the most likely to stand pat.

The week's recap from last Saturday to Friday (3-4 overall, 2-2 at home, 1-2 on the road)

Offense:

.247/.316/.416 = .732 OPS and a .317 wOBA

Walk rate: 6.9%

K rate: 16.5%

BABIP: .263

Average w/RISP: .275 (14-51) 45 total LOB, 12 on Thursday alone, 9 in three innings

Started the week one and half games up and ended the week a game back.

Quentin went 4-20 on the week with 3 homers. The Clever Christo has created a new stat for Quentin going forward. We'll call it the Dave Kingman Factor. Dave Kingman hit a lot of homers and little else when he put the ball in play as seen by his 28% homers-to-hits percentage.

To compare, Albert Pujols has a career 21% DK Factor. Adam Dunn has 28.5% career DK Factor. Now, this stat doesn't mean anything except to see how diverse a player's batted balls are. And hitting homers is the best possible outcome a player can have despite what Cecil Cooper thinks. But Quentin's average dip since the wrist injury in 2008 has been worrisome. His 2010 DK Factor right now is 30% and 48% since June 22. I say again. I make no claims as to the efficacy of this stat or really even its usefulness. Just to say that Quentin lately is starting to look like someone that a manager may have to DH on a more regular basis just to allow him to focus more on not aging into Dave Kingman way before his time (ISO is in the top 10 in the majors and his .212 BABIP might be telling us something here but the long-term batting average dip may be telling us more). It's been all-or-nothing with him and just can't be expected to play the field effectively on a regular basis by any standard. And it's happening at too young of an age for comfort. In terms of WAR, he's tied for last among right fielders with Jeff Francoeur. Um...that's not good.

Nobody else really stood out on the week.

The "I'm gonna steal home in the first inning" stolen bases stat: Five swiped (Pierre three - also has a .358 OBP since May 28, BTW. - not too shabby, Juan), four caught.

Pitching:

Quick one. Gotta eat lunch. Watching Garcia's next start may be important. He hasn't thrown this many innings since 2006. Sale looks impressive from a stuff point of view but like Viciedo and his big debut week clouding peoples' perceptions on his actual goodness (the Emilio Bonifacio Factor), Sale seems to be stuck on the opposite side of the spectrum, at least in Guillen's eyes. That's one good fastball with a funky delivery.

Inter Alia

* Six game week, off Monday. It's Baker, Lirano and Pavano in the mid-week series in Minnesota.

* This week's Brad Bergesen Warning Light is Sean O'Sullivan on Friday in Kansas City. Sox hitters have very little exposure to him with nine total team ABs. Sox got to Galarraga on August 4 in a 4-1 win in Detroit and thumped Porcello the day before. They knocked around Baker Tuesday but that was the Freddy implosion game. Pavano's beat the Sox twice this year with two two-run efforts.

* Attendance has become a talking point. To that, I say, "Stop talking, please." It was swamp-ass hot during the Twins series. Yes, it was a first place team in August. Yes, it was against their "rival". But there was an excessive heat advisory, for the sake of Pete. The first one in four years. 75% full isn't good but it was back up to 85% full last night. They're fine.

Two More...

2010-08-13T10:49:00.006-05:00

And I'll finish up my first round by Sunday.

Today's action brought to you by all the Gutsy Gavin talk.

He pitched average.

And missed his spots when he needed to hit them (0-2. Really? That pitch?).

Doesn't take away from his previous 12 starts. Doesn't mean anything for his future starts. But he was meh for the entire night. He doesn't get points for jamming Mauer a couple of times while still giving up 10 hits and three walks in 6 1/3 innings. Of course, leaving the bases loaded three times didn't help things.

Lets' get started.

8) Matt Spiegel's Baseball Acumen vs. 9) Laurence Holmes's Baseball Acumen

Toughie. I can't get into too many details because that would take writing things down as I hear them on The Score. That's weirdo territory. But for both of them, poo-pooing sabermetrics is a sport. Both don't give detailed rebuttals or stats that counter any point, both simply employ the "eye-ball test" backed by their "years of baseball watching" as authoritative enough. So...if you've watched baseball and have eyes, you can be a radio guy, too!

Adam Dunn? Spiegel's rebuttal is "hmm...overloved." Reason? He strikes out and is a bad baserunner, which he's not by ANY baserunning measure and is one of the best hitters in baseball by every measure. Laurence Holmes? He's going to read Scout's Honor (a bad attempt at a sabermetrics rebuttal), a "book on a subject I find to be reeeeeaaallly interesting." The book is widely panned as an embarrassment on every level.

Guys. Stats aren't the boogie man. When both of them protest too much, it sounds like I'm reading Tea Party signs. You can just feel the ignorant fear. Sure, hate some of the smugness that comes with saber guys. Hate the sometimes excruciating details that occasionally render the argument moot. But it's just a different way to look at things. And it's easily the best baseball writing and analysis going on right now and has been for years.

I'm going to give Holmes a break. He's more of a football guy. Listening to him talk about baseball for five minutes and you know he's swimming upstream. Spiegel professes to watch a lot of baseball but continues to sound like a marginally more cogent Ron Santo. His only thought on anybody outside of Chicago is "He's reaaaallllllyy good."

(But with Holmes doing B&B today, I reserve the right to change things.)

Winner: Matt Spiegel's Baseball Acumen with a solid game plan, 93-69.

4) "Boise State Is Going To Win The National Championship" vs. 13) "Monsters And Money In The Morning"

Every year, a gaggle of writers jump on the darkhorse bandwagon. This year isn't different than any other year. It's just a continuation of the stupid. Early predictions this year, though, do seem a tad louder with Boise State returning pretty much everyone.

But let's get into details that actually look at how the BCS formula would even let Boise State sniff a possible National Championship match-up. First, they'd have to start the pre-season in the top 5. Certainly possible. Next, they'd have to destroy a Virginia Tech team at Blacksburg to open the season, their only opponent that sniffs football good. Oregon State is the only other opponent outside their conference that resembles a decent win for the BCS formula (Wyoming doesn't count). Two of their last three opponents are Fresno State and Nevada, two teams that had winning records last year but don't do much to boost late-season BCS scores so they'd have to go into those games on a historic run averaging something like 50-6 drubbings. Their early strength of schedule ranking shows them to have the 87th toughest schedule in 2010 (Iowa is 35th and Iowa State is the toughest in the nation according to Phil Steele).

So...Boise State may be good but we still have the BCS computer models. They would have to run the table and beat everybody by at least 25 to overcome their weak schedule in the computer formula portion of the BCS and the human pollsters would have to obtain a Brett Favre-like crush on them as the season progresses to allow them to hurdle the bigger names. So...more possible college football awful to come.

Boise State might be good. They seem to have the horses. But the early blind love completely avoids HOW they could even GET to the National Championship game. EVERYTHING would have to go right. So much so that a disappointing season by Fresno State (say they're .500 going into their match-up with a bad loss against some crappy team) and Boise State could win with it being a close game and their dreams of a National Championship could be over.

Great system, huh? But it would be nice if college football writers would at least talk about the real system instead of simply drooling over the Broncos' returning starters.

I'm not going to pile on "Monsters And Money In The Morning." Their last show is August 27. Everyone knows how awful the show is. I've seen portions of a few episodes and, at every turn, you can feel CBS 2 big wigs simply throwing shit at the wall and to see what sticks. This didn't. To the point the infomercials gave the show a run for their money in the most abysmal ratings category. It's a car wreck, something I had to check out just to remind myself how awful Mike North is. So bad it's funny, the show has a "I can't believe this is on TV" quality. In today's TV world, that's saying a lot.

But...

Winner: "Boise State Is Going To Win The National Championship" with an gutsy blind confidence that trumps their actual ability to win, 99-88.

Moving Along....

2010-08-13T08:13:00.012-05:00

First off, let me apologize for the slowness of my posts. I have a sinus thing going on that would take down a Bison. Took a 3 hour nap yesterday. A nap. The last time I did that I think I was 9. This weather helps.

Today's bracket brought to you by Hawkeye Fan Message Board pontification about Brandon Wegher's private life. He's a 19 year old kid, folks. Get a hobby.

8) Today Show Financial Advisers 9) Directv Customer Service: Every morning,as my unemployed ass makes breakfast and coffee for the bread winning wife, I throw on the Today Show. I can't watch "Sportscenter" anymore and I figure I can check out the 8,9, 10 or 11am versions of "Quick Pitch" to avoid "Why do you have to watch highlights of games that are already over?" questions.
It's a hodge podge of news, entertainment and goofiness that works. By works I mean, mongoloids and soccer moms lap it up with a gigantic spoon. Every week there is at least one story from some financial genius telling us how to get back into financial stability. It goes something like this: "Pay your bills on time and save."...Well, Warren Buffet, that certainly is sage advice. Of course, pay my bills and save money! How could I have been so stupid in the past? Oh, that's right. The cost of living has grown so much that I can barely afford the luxury of groceries! But I must save. So, it's bread sandwiches and Diet Rite for my 36 year old ass. Yeah, not gonna happen.
I have had to call Directv customer service 4 months in a row now due to an error in my billing. I've spoken to someone all 4 times and was told to "pay the normal amount" and not worry about the overcharge. I did. And the charge was on there every subsequent bill. This is on top of trying to get to the bottom of why my HD didn't work on stuff I recorded and being on hold for 45 minutes or having to call up to cancel a FREE TRIAL of Showtime they gave me after they charged me for it.
And the reps are earning their 18 grand a year. You can smell the Virginia Slims and Mountain Dew through the phone.
But I like my Directv actual product. So, Today Show advisers go 56% from the floor and cruise, 93-69.

3) Bill Simmons 14) Nostalgia For Video Games: Bill Simmons is relatively new to my sports consciousness. He was one of the dopey ESPN columnists that I would see on the web page and ignore. Much like ESPN in general anymore. But this little tidbit got me reading his entire menagerie of dipshitiness. Is he the worst? Not really. Does he represent everything I hate about sports journalism today? Yep. Reactionary, shallow, tries way too hard to be hip, does no research and coats it with an East Coast bias that the WWL still gets defensive about. He is right up there with Phil Rogers and David Wygant on the BRE Hate-o-meter.
I was never that into video games. Yeah, Christo and I once didn't speak to each other for a day because of an argument over Tecmo Bowl (It was an UNWRITTEN RULE DAMMIT! YOU CAN'T USE THAT GUY!) but they were always something, to me, that was fun for an hour and then I moved on. Now, I see adults who play this shit for hours upon hours. Fine. Whatever. It's a Freudian wet dream. Avoiding much? Anyway, it has also grown out of that, a group of guys (it's guys always) who have all of a sudden got nostalgic for crappy Atari or Coleco games that were dominant in their youth. You remember them. Even our 11 year old dumb ass brains knew the graphics sucked and mastering it took basically part of an afternoon. It's kind of like "Grandma's Recipe" from Christo's bracket. It's time to throw away the Converse sneakers and ironic t-shirts and put on a fucking suit once in awhile.
Nostalgia For Video Games puts on a crippling 3/4 court press and stymies Bill's offense, holding him to just 47 points in a 66-47 victory.

Late Night TOA

2010-08-12T20:23:00.007-05:00

Tonight's action brought to you by the stupidity of keeping up a recent vacation weather tracker.

Swamp ass here, "I probably need another layer" there.

Brilliant.

Let's finish up the Vuvuzela Region as I listen to Hawk mention the missed call at first for the 48,oooth time.

3) Leinenkugel's Ads vs. 14) Hershey Bar

People from Wisconsin like their state. Have you gotten that? Putting the weirdness of state pride aside for a minute, if I hear "Summer Shandy" in a fake-ass, wildly affected, made-up accent from my television one more time, I'm going to have to buy a new TV cuz the shoe's goin' through it.

During the mid-90s, one of my infinitely low-level jobs was delivering movies in a three state area centered around Iowa. Briefly, I had an account just across the border from Dubuque in Wisconsin. Not even two miles across the state line for the first trip and everyone turned into extras from Deliverance except with a sappy-syrupy and cloyingly sweet attitude. I was a stranger in their land. Telling me all about this wondrous foreign land of Wisconsin was item number one on everyone's agenda. I heard "This is God's country," three times in the half-hour I was in the state, twice at the same gas station.

Everything from Wisconsin "is the greatest." Everyone from Wisconsin is "just the sweetest group of people you'll ever meet." It's a state, guys. I've seen more restraint when blathering on about themselves at a CPAC convention. The Leininkugel's ads package it all in a 30-second clip that runs every twenty minutes on my TV and radio. Simply Rubs. Me. Wrong.

Okay. There's nothing technically wrong with a Hershey bar. I felt sorry for the Hershey bar a couple of weeks ago at 7-Eleven, feeling like they looked a little lonely, like a puppy at the pound that nobody wants, and bought one. Poor doodle. Let's give you some love. It's been years.

Ate it and it hit me why. It's the Ed Mundane of candy bars, not particularly good chocolate and doesn't hit one note of satisfaction. Might be the most mediocre candy-type substance on Earth. I've covered mediocre before and the Hershey Bar is oh-so mediocre. Better yet, it's like Iowa football stadium popcorn. "It's neutral!" Except not horphable.

Other candy bars at least elicit a response. For instance, I've always wanted to like Baby Ruth. Always seems like a good idea. Then I get one and am left with a palpable sense of utter disappointment when it too chewy and then falls apart all over me. But at least the "disappointment" is an emotion. Hershey Bars leave a shocking sense of no feeling at all. I eat one and think, "I have absolutely no response to that."

Hmm...the awfulness of something so utterly neutral or Wisconsin-itis?

Winner: Leininkugel's Ads with their distractingly chatty defense, 90-82.

2) The Type Of Personality That NEEDS To Be On TV vs. 15) Your Grandmother's Recipe

Some of the traits covered in Reality Cooking Show Contestants are present in The Type Of Personality the NEEDS To BE On TV. Arrogance? Check. Desperate need for attention? Check. A completely extroverted personality with absolutely no inner dialogue except thinking about how they can get more time in front of the camera? Check.

Host a game show where people try to walk a spoon across the stage with their butt cheeks? Where do I sign? I'll do it and I'll LOVE EVERY MINUTE OF IT! Do you have any more products I can blindly pitch for you cuz I'll do it.

In some ways, there's a kinship here with People Who NEED Pot. Both need some outside influence in order to feel "real". I'm convinced Guy Fieri isn't actually a human. Once the red light goes off, he shuts down like 3PO and Food Network carts him off to a Alien-like holding chamber.

Everyone. Your Grandmother's Recipe wasn't that great. It was probably quite good and yes, it evokes memories of sunsets, kittens rolling in the grass, unicorn dreams and making a wish on a shooting star for the Dwight Gooden rookie card in the next pack. But sorry. It wasn't that great. It just wasn't. It wasn't so great that it EVER involves a conversation longer than 4 1/2 seconds. Mention it? Fine. You liked your grandmother's recipe. Good for you. Collect your star at the front desk.

But the moans, the gasps, they're uncalled for from a rational, sentient adult walking on this planet. You know what kind of 43 year-old can't shut the hell up about their grandmother's recipe? The same 43 year-old adult who stills likes a candle in their cake and everyone to sing to them on their birthday. Grow up and put your big-boy pants on.

I agree. Grandmothers cook well. And some churn out some pretty good stuff. But in this world, on this Earth, if you're a person who has had even a modicum amount of spending money in your life and haven't come across food, especially in this food world we now live in, that excites you and probably drubs your grandmother's cooking, well...I can't help you.

I say again. Your Grandmother's Recipe was probably tasty. But all this talk about it? All this "Doesn't touch Nana's" crap? Give me a week and I bet I can find five lasagnas within ten miles of my apartment that are as good or better. And I don't even like lasagna! There's a difference between the summoning of vivid and long-loved memories and what's on the plate. There just is.

But...

Winner: The Type Of Personality That NEEDS To Be On TV with their in-your-face style of play, 101-87.

And Two More From Christo

2010-08-11T11:45:00.002-05:00

Today's action brought to you by Brandon Wegher rumors.

Christo hearts the precariousness of the Iowa backfield every year.

If Wegher takes a year off, they go from a position of relative strength to a Hampton knee hit away from more Paki #2 running back joy.

That's heebie-jeebie, edge of my seat, Saturday football-watching fun.

Let's do a couple more.

Vuvuzela Region

8) Diane Sawyer As A News Anchor vs. 9) People Who Desire To Open A Restaurant

Network news these days seems almost antiquated. It's old news repackaged in two-to-three minute segments, usually in some lame attempt to put it in perspective, and barely skims the surface of giving any real info. Mostly, it has the quality of local news without the local "In this hot weather, an ice company in the suburbs is seeing profits that are anything but cool," angle. (ABC7 yesterday).

ABC, in an attempt to add some gravitas to their sagging news brand, flung Diane Sawyer into the anchor seat a few months ago and the results have been...kind of hilarious. Jeebus, Diane. Lighten the hell up. It looks like she's about to cry during every news read. And the halting speech patterns! I can only imagine what the core audience - 85 year-old people - feel like watching her. The anxiety! Take it down a notch, Diane.

People Who Desire To Open A Restaurant deserve a ten-part series. But here's the gist. Take a 12 year-old who wants to be a Major League baseball player and take someone who desires to open a restaurant, have it survive longer than three years and not be deep in debt while still retaining some level of sanity and dignity and not resorting to heavy drug use just to get through the day. My money's on the 12 year-old.

It's an industry filled with rustlers, cutthroats, murders, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con-men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglars, horse thieves, bull-dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers and shit-kickers. Think you're going to be different? Think again. I've seen the sweetest of people entirely broken by the daily grind of wanting enough people to eat what they cook.

"But I just want people to experience my food and have a place to hang out!" Nope. What you get is 100 hour work weeks, your friends wanting everything comped, shit-ass customers telling you on a regular basis what you're doing wrong and that they can do better, mouthy and entitled employees bitching about how they want to go to a party tonight and they shouldn't have to work, surprise Health Department inspections, surprise Immigration inspections, suppliers looking to gouge you at every turn, city permit issuers looking for a lil' something extra, finicky food critics who couldn't make the news desk taking it out on you, mountains of paperwork, mountains of problems that barely relate to the restaurant and mountains of worry at 3am because this quarter's projected numbers signify that bankruptcy is an entirely viable option. All that for an industry standard of a 5-8% profit on revenue if you're lucky. Your little dream turns into 99% work that has nothing with your little dream. And it's mind-numbing busy work that will make you feel like you're doing nothing to advance anything.

I'm lucky to be out of this world to a certain extent. My restaurant is pretty much above most of this. But the stories I have...

Not close.

Winner: People Who Desire To Open A Restaurant rolls, 110-74.

4) The Ball-Sweating Hotness Of This Summer vs. 13) People Who NEED Pot

Really. I've never heard so much about the dew point in my life. It hasn't been hot-hot, just the air's been the quality and consistency of beef stew. Took a shower two nights ago, then walked the dog. Smart move, flapjack. Worked a patio shift last week in 12,000% humidity and it felt like someone sprayed me with dumpster juice as it dried on my skin. Hell outside, cold inside, hell outside, cold inside created a pizza dust cake all over my body. I've turned into someone I hate - a person that can't stop complaining about the weather. How 'bout a week or so in the 70s. Just once. That's not asking a lot, is it?

Everyone knows People Who NEED Pot. They're people who can't function socially unless they just smoked a bowl. Well, they can function but they're not nearly as funny or incisive as THEY think they are or should be. So you get someone who believes themselves to be the life of the group but in reality are too far gone to add anything outside of glazed-over look and mistimed laughter, mostly because they've been smoking up so long that they've pushed the envelope far beyond anything they can handle. Thanks for coming, dick-wad. Couldn't you have done this at home, you know, with the couch?

Toughie.

I'm older, married and out of the scene, Thank God.

Winner: The Ball-Sweating Hotness Of This Summer with a buzzer-beater, 89-88.

More to come.

First Round Goes On

2010-08-11T09:36:00.010-05:00

Nice outing, Freddy. Batting practice. And Michael Cuddyer can go fuck himself. Jesus, I hate that cockag.

Anyway....Today's brackets brought to you by middle aged and old people who keep referring to Twitter as "Tweet or Titter, or whatever it's called..." in order to maintain their distance from something odd to them.

5) Navigating Washington DC 12) Buying Something At Walgreen's:

I went to DC over New Year's and while I liked being there and seeing everything I found getting around, EVEN WITH GPS, to be a baffling experience. Twists, turns, roundabouts (Where are we? Paris?), diagonal streets that stop suddenly and then go straight. All of it induced a nice three part Nausea Adventure that lasted several minutes even after getting out of the car. And sweat. And a wretch outside Bar Louie. Honest to goodness wretch. Not a drop of booze. Carsickness.
I recently went in to Walgreen's to buy a box of Juji Fruits to take to the movies. Yes, I'm old. But it's like 4 bucks at the theater. Come on. There were about 6 people in line to check out at the ONE register opened. 4 other employees were in the vicinity doing nothing. No movement. La Shanda and Miguel couldn't be bothered, I guess. The 40ish, obese, Walleye that did check me out couldn't have been more frosty if she was at the DMV in the Loop. The entire check out took 11 minutes. 11. Fucking. Minutes.
This is just one of countless Walgreen's ordeals I've had since teen years. It's got some momentum as it gets out to a 17-4 lead and never really looks back. DC may be confusing but at least it has something of interest. Walgreen's in a walk, 85-67.

7) Onion AV Club Movie Critics 10) Rush Limbaugh's Barely Hidden Disdain For Non Whites:

I get that critics are needed and they're not supposed to love everything. I get it. It's their job to critique. But don't bore me with obscure references to Czech Cinema or some Taiwanese horror film noone out of a Hipster Film Snob Douchebag Meeting and Malbec Tasting has seen. And the only reason they mention it is so you go "Wow. This guy really knows his cinema." It's boring. Yeah, I hate most stuff, too, but I don't try to make myself look better in the process. I'm a cynical jackass. At least I admit it.
Rush Limbaugh. Do I really have to say anything anymore? The man cannot stop talking about race. At all. Take a random trip down to Franco's favorite radio station, WLS, some time, and I will give you 10 to 1 odds that Rush is either talking about "racial double standards" because, y'know, everything's fine now or "the plight of the White Male". I actually heard him not call out a caller who openly questioned where the "Advancement of White People" meetings are held. It sounded like something a random guy from the VFW Hall my grandpa used to go to would say.
No response from Rush. Except a "yeah".
The guy has a race issue. Big time.
Rush is in complete control from tip off as he is high on speed and self delusion. The movie snobs get tangled up in their scarves and ascots in comical Washington Generals fashion. Rush cruises, 99-77.

And We're Back.....

2010-08-10T09:59:00.007-05:00

We have an audible. I am replacing "You HAVE to watch Mad Men" with "Buying Something At Walgreen's".

And the Sox ran into "Buck Showlater Genius" this weekend. 9 runs against that team in 4 games. Yep. Nice job.

5) My Dog's Morning Barking Jags 12) People Who Correspond Only Through E-Mail:
Every morning around 8am or so my dogs decide to be spazzes and play throughout the house. It's no big deal. We have 2 dogs, they're both young. It goes with the territory. But one of them decides, on occasion, to express herself with an incessant bark that goes 10, 11,12 times in succession. It's enough to send you scurrying up the pine trees sucking your thumb. I can take hyper, I HATE barking. Fortunately, this is really the only time she does it but man, better not have a heart condition.
But PWOCTE are a despicable lot. It's passive aggressive bullshit at it's best. Phone calls can only be ignored for so long because everyone knows that you have it on you. Knocking on a door? Forget it. I can't hide behind the desk forever. E-mail has let the social retards take dilly dallying to a whole new level. "Hey, did you get my e-mail?"..."No. I haven't checked them."..."It got sent to a "Junk Folder"....Oh, Good Christ, I want to strangle you! These guys have a big run in them and take this one in a blowout as my dog's barking is annoying but she's still my dog and the annoyance goes away when I laugh hysterically at her chasing a fly. E-mailers win big, 101-80.

7) "Soccer Is the Next Big Thing In America...." 10) "Best Places To Live" Lists:
Picking on soccer and it's hardcore fans is so easy but so right. Hey, how's that World Cup hangover doin'? What's that? Yeah. I know. Landon Donovan can now go down the street pretty much anywhere and be anonymous again. I know. Just ignore them.
Best Places To Live Lists come out about once a month and every goddamn time the fucking "Today Show' has some asshat from Money Magazine or whatever dying, bullshit publication is currently doing it and they act surprised when places like Great Falls, Montana make the list. Oh, and when a house is average priced at 900k it is NOT a best place to live. It's a place to live that's great because you can afford a 900K house! BIG difference. And, as Christo has stated, I'm not moving to Tulsa or Jackson or Cheyenne. I don't care how good the schools are or how many restaurants let children eat free. And Bolingbrook made the latest list. Top 50. I live here. It's an armpit. What's next? Flint?

Best Places To Live Lists get out to a fast start and stave off a late comeback by Soccer and hang on for a 83-80 win. Soccer Fans are just too easy to mock anymore. I almost feel badly for them. Almost.

What A Dramatic Airport....

2010-08-09T14:23:00.003-05:00

Nothing happens for three weeks in my life and the minute we get to the T of A all hell breaks loose.
Anyway, I'll get back to it tomorrow.

Bobby Jenks' "Bad Back" continues to baffle.......

Sox Summary Saturday - "Kotsay's Awesome! Jenks, You Suck!"

2010-08-07T10:19:00.006-05:00

Let's get lost in the numbers and create a picture of Bobby Jenks that adds very little to the discussion.

5.13 ERA - ERA means very little for a closer. One bad outing royally distorts ERA.

2.81 xFIP and a .389 BABIP. Tells us a little something about Jenks's ERA. He's been a bit unlucky. A lot, actually.

BUT, like ERA, xFIP and BABIP for a reliever that's thrown only 40 innings doesn't tell us much of anything. Too small of a sample size. But tells us something.

So...let's look at an appearance breakdown instead.

44 appearances, 40.1 innings pitched. In those 44 appearances, he's retired whatever he's had to in order 14 times. That's a 32% rate. He's gone one over the minimum 13 more times. So...in his 44 appearances this year, Jenks has retired the side or allowed one walk or hit 27 out of his 44 outings for a 61% rate. To compare, Jon Rauch, the guy who just lost his closer job to the new Twin, Matt Capps, a guy the Twins had to trade away a pretty solid prospect (Wilson Ramos) to get, had a 65% rate (24-37 retired in order/one over).

Better yet, Brian Fuentes last year had a 68% rate. And in 2009, Fuentes "blew up," giving up more than one run in an outing six times for a 9% rate (6-65). Jenks this year has already done it seven times in 44 appearances for a 16% rate.

In no sane world do you as a closer want to be worse than 2009 Brian Fuentes.

But these numbers don't mean too much. With closers, the eyeball test and what you have to replace him probably means more after seeing the above numbers and putting them into context. And Bobby, your pitch selection and location in critical counts Has. Been. Brutal. In the roller coaster world of closers, the up-and-down is usually felt from outing to outing. With Jenks, it's felt pitch to pitch. And in my world, he's a closer who is, in the least, has the beginning of the end as a closer for a contending team staring him in the face.

The week's recap from last Saturday to Friday (4-3 overall, 1-1 at home, 3-2 on the road)

Offense

.273/.318/.437 = .755 OPS and a .323 wOBA

Walk rate: 5.7%

K rate: 18.8%

BABIP: .302

Average w/RISP: .262 (11-42)

Started the week 1.5 games up and ended the week the same because the Twins are starting to find that Twins' Magic.

Individually, MARK KOTSAY"S AWESOME! He's still the fifth-worst baseball player in terms of WAR (minus 0.6) on the year, only better than Pedro Feliz, Carlos Lee (that's two regular Astros. Nice job, guys), Adam Lind (played injured most of the year) and Justin Smoak (recently sent down). He's bad. Let's stop the stupidity.

SOME concern with Rios and Quentin. I think it's safe to say that Rios has cooled off. He has a .254/.288/.389 line in his last 30 games. He's not walking much, striking out more and has grounded into 10 double plays in that timeframe. Since Quentin's homer-happy explosion right before the break when he hit six in four games, he has a .190/.279/.328 line.

But where the middle of the order has failed (except for Konerko. He's good.), the scrappy, old and chubby succeeded. Pierre had 10 hits - including a dinger! - on the week. Vizquel continues to belie his age, Viciedo and Castro have been useful and Lillibridge is slowly becoming the best asset that came back in the Vazquez trade aside from salary relief.

Oh, and Pierzynski is hitting .193/.231/.272 since June 22. Ugh.

The "I'm gonna steal home in the first inning" stolen bases stat: Swiped five, caught six.

Pitching

No complaints. Rotation's numbers outside of Carlos Torres because Carlos Torres is Carlos Torres: 42 innings, 11 earned (2.36 ERA), 38 hits, 11 walks (1.19 WHIP), 29 Ks. Good week.

Edwin Jackson got himself into jams early in his first Sox start and got out of them. Danks got beat up by the A's but pitched well enough to win last night if Brad Bergesen didn't pitch as well(I told ya! Don't mess with Brad Bergesen!). The core pen of Putz, Thorton, Santos and (I guueesssssss) Linebrink went nine innings and gave up nothing.

And we saw Chris Sale. He's tall.

Inter Alia

* Lose to the Orioles? I feel your pain. Be careful of New Manager Magic this weekend, Sox fans.

* Full week. THREE more in Baltimore, then they come home for three against the Twins. Big series, of course. After that, it's the start of a weekend home series against the Tigers.

* It's Baker, Slowey and Liriano. They miss Pavano but also unfortunately miss Blackburn. Liriano's pitching well again after a rough patch. Baker's coming off eight innings of shutout ball against the Rays and Slowey's been consistently hit and miss all year from start to start.

* After the Orioles series, big stretch as everyone knows. Six games against the Twins in a nine game stretch. Then it's KC and Baltimore before the Yankees, Indians and Red Sox leads us up to Iowa Hawkeye football, just FOUR WEEKS AWAY! Productive summer, Christo (shakes head).

Day Three Action In Christo's Bracket

2010-08-06T11:50:00.000-05:00

Today's action is brought to you by getting swept by the worst team in baseball and the worst base-running blunder I think I've ever seen.

Down 9-1 Wednesday, the Angels whittled it down to a 9-7 deficit with nobody out and Hunter on second in the ninth. Alfredo Simon was on the mound, probably the worst closer in baseball right now. He just gave up two consecutive shots to the right field gap to score one with Kendrick, Rivera and Napoli coming up.

Torii Hunter...tried to steal third!

Out by five feet.

Wigginton could have made a sandwich and ate it while waiting with the ball for Hunter to slide into third.

These are the times that try men's souls.

BP Crosstown Cup Region

5) The Internet vs. 12) The Lead-up To The Wikileaks Release

I used to read four newspapers a day. I don't now because I'm a lazy sloth who uses the "it's free on the Internet" as an excuse. The New York Times was one of those papers I read and I felt utterly informed, being able to thoroughly understand the intricate web of connections present with information across multiple storylines and milieus. My mind felt active and my brain felt curious.

Um...yeah...not anymore. It's completely my own fault, not really the Internet's. Along with Getting Old, another entry in this tournament, sitting back and watching my brain and body slowly atrophy and not doing a thing about it can be quite humbling. But Marshall McLuhan couldn't have been more right. The "medium is the message." By its very structure, the Internet not only encourages but demands a "grazing" mentality and it's turning me into a drooling moron. I can't do it. I can't recreate those webs by using the Internet. I'm not smart enough. I simply can't riffle through all the crap and get a picture.

Top five searches "trending now" on Yahoo: Zsa Zsa Gabor, Eminem, Robin Wright, Healthy Breakfasts and Mary Hart. If people want it, they're going to give it. Mary Hart. Mary. Hart.

The Lead-up To the Wikileaks Release was just curious. Two weeks before it happened, it seemed every opinion columnist on the planet got on a conference call and decided that, as a group, it was time to put up a united front against the Afghan War. It was time to call it hopeless.

It pretty much seems to be nearly hopeless right now with no viable exit strategy and very little progress towards creating any sort of social, economic and security infrastructure that could even be handed over to anybody. That really can't be argued.

But it felt so...manufactured. White noise turned into a megaphone-style screaming all at once once the date was announced for the publishing of the leak and everyone seemed to want to go on the record first and come out against it. "Oh shit, I've paid too much attention to the Tea Partiers! Now something's happening that actually matters and I haven't said one word on the subject in months!" Wikileaks is a fascinating story. Read the New Yorker piece on Assange and tell me if it isn't one of the top three most perplexing constructs of our times.

Then the voluminous amount of info was released and we found out that civilians were being killed, Pakistan is a weak, double-dealing asshat and the commanders on the ground are clueless as to what they're doing there. There just wasn't anything very...revealing. But we got a chorus out of seemingly nowhere that felt kinda smarmy, haphazard and a feeling that it was a make-up for the months of utter neglect on the subject.

But the Internet's ubiquitous awfulness wins the day.

Winner: The Internet with a flurry of Globetrotter-like distractions confusing Wikileaks, 92-70.

7) Gwyneth Paltrow vs. 10) GOP Congressmen Who Want To Repeal The 14th Amendment

Gwyneth made the tournament for a few reasons but one stood out. She recently said, "Losing my baby weight was by far the hardest thing I've ever had to do." Oh, screw you! Rough life, dear. And her little website endeavor that informs us how to live is just a little too precious and infuriating for words (goop.com). Don't forget as well. She's a country singer now.

Whoa! I thought the Constitution was sacrosanct. Oh yeah, it isn't when it doesn't allow for political caprice. Odd. But I have to give McConnell and Sessions some props. Some elements of the GOP has gotten so unbelievably stupid, reactionary and borderline fascist that repealing the 14th Amendment nearly falls under the auspices of "toss it on the pile." It's almost a good political strategy.

Putting all the reasons for the "birthright citizenship" clause aside, I seem to remember kind of important due process and equal protection laws being in the 14th Amendment from high school as well. Yes. Let's review that. And we really know that this is about Obama and the birthers. Thank You, GOP. You're redefining crazy every week.

Even Lou Dobbs called you idiots.

It's ugly, both the match-up and the GOP system that allows such things to even be discussed.

Winner: GOP Congressmen Who Want To Repeal The 14th Amendment in a beatdown, 110-42.

In A Terrible Time Like This Where Can One Get A Copy Of A Death Certificate?

2010-08-06T11:40:00.007-05:00

Had some "stuff" come up today and this weekend that will delay my T of A results. Whole mess of 'em coming on Sunday.

And, of course, drama that only my wife's family can somehow muster. Makes Christo and Mate's broods seem level headed and normal. Not an easy task.

Day Two Action In Christo's Bracket

2010-08-04T16:28:00.018-05:00

We have an audible!

I've seen exactly two minutes of the "Jersey Shore" so it's out. Everything I know about comes from "The Soup."

In its place, we have a young whipper-snapper that could go far in GOP Congressmen Who Want To Repeal The 14th Amendment.

Man, what the hell is in the water at the Heritage Foundation?

Today's action brought to you by Kanye West tweets set to New Yorker cartoons.

Cuz they're funny and Kanye is weird.

Let's get started.

Vuvuzela Region

5) Emergency Room Visits vs. 12) Reality Cooking Show Contestants

Hi, I'm Tommy McDouche Chef.

As a reality cooking show contestant, I can tell you that anybody going up against doesn't have a chance. That's because I have a secret ingredient and that's Passion. Now, there are times when I have to dig deep and pull out my ultra-secret ingredient, Super Passion, but that's rare, mostly because I'm that good.

My greatest strength is I have no weakness. If you're about to eat something I just made, bend down and hold onto your socks cuz I'm about to Knock. Them. Off. And if, for some inconcievable reason, you don't like something I made, you just don't get my vision and you certainly can't grasp my genius. You gotta know, I'm in it to win it and if you go up against me, you will fail.

Boo-yah!

So...I had a wine bottle blow up in my hand two weeks ago. It's healing quite nicely, thank you, except for a bit of nerve damage that will be hanging around for about a year, most likely. No biggie, really.

I had to go to the ER near my house, a place I've passed nearly every day for seven years now and always wondered why only very old, morbidly obese people were being carted in to the ER as I drove by.

Answer: It's apparently primarily a nursing home ER. And inside, it looked like time stopped in 1994.

Pros to the visit: Could have been worse; my nurse was a nice lady

Cons: Dust bunnies on the reception fan?; the paramedics bringing in another person rolled their eyes and got a bit huffy when nobody knew how to discharge their pick-up (probably should have left right then); a cranky, fat lady wailing at the top of her lungs about her diarrhea didn't make for a great atmosphere; my doctor looked like he JUST smoked a bowl; "Oops, I nicked something," isn't something you want to hear; with a decent amount of time to stare at the wall waiting for the doctor, you really get to notice the small things, like the paint job in the place that looked like they hired a gaggle of monkeys to paint an avant-garde piece.

But overall, it could have been worse.

Not close.

Winner: Reality Cooking Show Contestants as their infinite amount of platitudes lulls ER Visits to sleep, 70-41.

7) Mel Gibson's Batshit Insanity vs. 10) The Seattle Mariners

Mel, get some help. You set the bar, buddy. You made Christian Bale's rant seem cute.

With one swoop, you've made us completely dismiss your entire body of acting work. It would be kinda hard to watch Braveheart now without thinking about "I hope you get ra*ed by a bunch of n***rs."

I wasn't ever a huge fan and I doubt your image will be crossing my television anytime soon, but...Wow! That's a lot of hate churning around in that heart of yours.

I watch a decent amount of Mariners' games. If the Angels are playing away from the West Coast and the Mariners are at home, it's either them or the Dodgers that I watch late at night.

I was fascinated by the Mariners' bandwagon last tournament, mostly because I feared the people slobbering over them might be right. It was a great defensive team with the best top-two in the rotation in the majors coming into the season.

But seeing a 3-4-5 in the lineup of Kotchman, Bradley and Griffey to start the season made it even more fascinating. To put this in perspective, I'll use an old favorite. As a team, the Mariners have a .642 OPS. Juan Pierre has a career .714 OPS. They have a .289 wOBA this year as a team. To put that in perspective, Neifi Perez had a career .290 wOBA. They're on pace to score the least runs on a season in at least ten years (I stopped checking after that).

Real Mariners' fans were more circumspect when predicting the season. Mostly, they liked the flexibility and the long-term possibilities. And a few guys wildly underperformed this year, but when Ian Snell is your #3 in the rotation and Casey Kotchman is your #3 hitter, awful is going to follow.

What else can be said about Mel?

Winner: The Seattle Mariners as they rain 3-pointers down on Mel, causing him to go into a profanity-laced rant chockablock with racial slurs, 101-81.

Behind A Bit But Catching Up.....

2010-08-04T08:59:00.009-05:00

Thank you, Carlos Torres. That'll do.

Rounding out yesterday's action:

1) Photo Enforced Traffic Lights 16) the Library On A Weekday Afternoon: I've been caught by these things only once but it was infuriating. I've often tried to understand the logic behind them. Of course, proponents give you the ol' "it makes people drive safer" bullshit but let's call a spade a spade. It's a revenue generator that, in fact, makes me drive worse. I ride the brake and wait for the light to change and when it does go to yellow I slam the brakes, begging for a rear ender. Safer my ass.
The Library on a Weekday is a rough mix of the odd, smelly, bored and batshit insane. Couple that with skads of children and the old days of the quiet library where you can look at books and slowly make a decision are gone. There's a guy that I saw at the local library a few weeks ago that looked like Jerry Garcia but fatter and less hygienic. And then i smelled him as I walked by. The crotch rot had an aura.
Library gives PETL a run for it's money and it's tied at 66 with 8 minutes left but they run out of gas and PETL goes on a 10-0 run to end the game and win 81-70.

6) This Summer Movie Season 11) Where the Wild Things Are (Movie): The wife and I have got the Sunday afternoon itch to go see a movie four times this summer and every time I've gone to Fandango to see the movie times I have yet to find one that makes my ears prick up. Not one. Yeah, I suppose "Inception" would be good a few others may be worth my time but my god! "Knight and Day", "Shrek 4", "Sex and the City 2", "Despicable Me"...Saying "meh" doesn't begin to describe the mediocrity that has swarmed us.
WWTA was a book that I enjoyed as a kid but I actually have reread it as an adult and I feel that it's actually a really smart, well written book period. It's darkness and spirit are undeniable. That's why I was excited when I heard Spike Jonze was bringing it to the big screen.......Jesus. Talk about a waste of time. Every nuance of the book is lost in a weird mix of misplaced melancholy and Hollywood studio "feel good" tacked on crap. That and how can you leave out the sea monster? In a movie? Come on.
But this Summer's Movie Season came in on a roll and kept it going,winning this one 89-70.

Day One, Part Two

2010-08-03T12:23:00.007-05:00

Part two brought to you by the game that the uppity (!) gap-toothed hicks I waited on got to see at Wrigley last night.

Whew! Had a Camanche fresh-soph football team feel to it.

Who in the hell are Coleman and Schlitter?

Let's get started.

BP Crosstown Cup Region

1) Picky Eaters vs. 16) Josh McDaniels's Hard-On For Bad Quarterbacks

Good luck Josh with Brady Quinn. I suggest you install a lot of post patterns for Eddie Royal and wait until he comes over and slaps you in the face after Quinn hangs him out to dry for the 48th time. Oh, wait. Quinn's not your starter? How about Tim Tebow then. You might have to start him since ESPN is already in full gizz mode over the guy. And if that doesn't work, there's always Kyle Orton. How'd those last 10 games go under his watch last year? In what had to be a nice moment for Mate in an otherwise poop-stained Chiefs' year, that 44-24 beatdown in the last game of the year made legions of people stand up and cheer for the big, fat L given to the Broncos and knocking them out of the playoffs. I thank you, Josh. With your snotty press conferences and your collection of eminently hateable players, I can loathe the Broncos again.

How does someone "hate" carrots? They're carrots. Indifferent, sure, but hate? Everybody has a core list of foods that don't excite them or make them gag a little (cottage cheese, creamed corn and meringue for me). But when a person starts morphing into a Python character ("Mmm, don't like that, no, smells a bit.") and forces everybody else to adjust to their laundry list of proclivities, what you end up left with is a piece of toast and maybe some butter. It's just food. Put it in your mouth and shut up. Life shouldn't be this hard.

Winner: Picky Eaters as their fussy defense confuses the hell out of Josh, 77-49.

6) "Rescue Me" After Season Two vs. 11) NFL Training Camp Optimism

Holy Jeebus Mother of Cripes! We get it, Dennis! Your character is an alcoholic and has visions and makes bad sexual choices! That was covered in the first 20 episodes. Did we need another 80 episodes of it. I gave up long ago but peer back in occasionally, most recently with an episode last week just to see what's going on. It was a psychedelic version of episode #2...and #10...and #14...and #21...and....

And I like a good dick joke now and again but premising the entire comedic element of the show around it? I got that in college. You keep it. I like you, Dennis. I do. I just don't really enjoy it much when a show tries to find the limits of repetition.

But NFL Training Camp Optimism is my first upset of the tournament. They could go far because it's so topical right now. It happens in baseball as well but there's something about the NFL and especially Bears' camp. Really? Jay Cutler's completion percentage in drills at Bourbonnais is cause for optimism? And the stupidity is only amplified when pre-season games get going. Exhibit A = Caleb Hanie. This is the time of year when we get reports of the progress of Garret Wolfe (it's been three years now. He's bad.) and how Mike Martz's genius (nobody else wanted him, everybody.) will save the organization. I don't know if it's the salary cap or if it's the mouth-breathing NFL fans that that typically dominate the discussion but the NFL breds mind-numbing stupidity at this time of the year. Even the Browns have people talking playoffs.

Winner: NFL Training Camp Optimism with its stylized and ultra-modern offense, 95-78.

Okay...Go!

2010-08-03T10:27:00.009-05:00

Today's action brought to you by people from Bumbleshit, Illinois who couldn't get Cubs' tickets for the last five years but now can and want to try out 'City Food' at places close to the stadium. I'd never seen a more wretched hive of scum and villany than during last night's shift.

It was like I was back at Ground Round.

We'll go slow this tournament. No timetable.

Vuvuzela Region

1) Tony Hayward's Utter Delusion vs. 16) Brandon Wood

Hi, Tony.

Sorry to hear about that little oil spill ruining your summer plans. I hear Santorini is beautiful this time of year. A little crowded, but beautiful. Can you believe all these hippy-dippy liberals actually want you to show some level of contrition in public? Geesh! It's not like you caused the spill. Didn't they learn anything from the 60's?

I didn't get the outrage when you said that the 180 million gallons of oil spilled were, in the grand scheme of things, "very, very modest" and that all the press coverage of the situation made you "want your life back." People just don't understand that if someone vomits and shits all over their living room, it's not like the kitchen or bedrooms were touched. Golly! Get over it. You have every right to show how this has affected you and your life personally and you should vent it at every turn. Filthy rich people have feeling, too, you know.

Anyway, I hear the Black Sea is a gorgeous place. You enjoy yourself and stay real.

Sincerely, Dick Cheney

Hi, Brandon (image courtesy of Mose from "The Office")

How's baseball purgatory? I'm writing you just to say it was probably just bad luck. The Angels didn't re-sign Figgins because you were the heir-apparent at third base and being 25 and having over 3000 at-bats in the minors, one would think you could have put up a season at least resembling something better than a Macy's Parade Balloon at the plate.

I don't know how one has a 10 OPS+. I don't know how one has two walks in the first two months of the season and still only hits .156. You're swinging at everything, one would think a bit of contact would result on occasion. On that .156 average, take out the two inexplicable 3-4 performances against the Indians in May and it's .139. How! How!

You set records in the Annals of Angels' Awful this year and are now out of options and completely untradeable after being one of the highest-rated prospects in the minors. So...thanks. I thank you for being so awful that the team had to stop playing you, allowing me to take the top spot in negative WAR Value this year. Ya gotta know, kid. Ya gotta mix it up a bit. Just a couple of hits on occasion forces your manager to play you...somewhere. If you're going to be the most awful of awful, ya gotta be on the field. It called being a gamer.

Sincerely, Pedro Feliz

Winner: Tony Hayward's Utter Delusion with his effective...anything, 108-60.

6) People Who LOVE Squash Blossoms vs. 11) People Who LOVE Malbec

Yes, squash blossoms are tasty and good. And yes, they're old-school food that's making a bit of a comeback. But shut the fuck up about them! Quit letting out an orgasmic squeal every time I mention them in the specials! My favorite might be the race that a foodie table has to see who can interrupt me and belch out their infinite knowledge and childhood memories of the stuff first. Good for you, asshat. You ate something when you were young and now they're on the specials board.

That's quite an accomplishment in your life and we're all veeeeeery impressed.

Like many things in this world, if you can tap into the suburban housewife market, you're bathing in money. And if scientists could concoct a wine that's the least offensive, most utterly boring wine that offers nothing outside of "zippy" fruit, they would make Malbec. It's a relatively new fad (that's slowly wearing off, thank God) that allows people who don't know anything about wine but want to sound like they do to order something that conveys that notion. Ask them what they like about Malbec so you can give them something close and they look puzzled and then get annoyed because you asked them something that's going to expose their bullshit façade. There's some good Malbecs out there but the mid-mass market stuff defines "wine-boring."

Winner: People Who LOVE Squash Blossoms with their chatty defense, 85-75.

More to come.

We're Off!

2010-08-03T09:43:00.012-05:00

The T of A August 2010 gets started right now with two matchups that look to be mismatches. But let's see how they turn out.

Today's action brought to you by the Big Ten (yawn) Media (yawn) Days (clunk!).....What? Oh, god, I fell asleep. Pat Fitzgerald has some "good kids" and I still can't name the coach for Michigan State off the top of my head. Seems like a real fun loving guy, though...

Anyway...

1) WOOOOO!!! 16) Pistachio Ice Cream: I waited for it to go away. I really did. I was annoyed by it but, like many things, it was going to pass. I thought. This was 1994. And the Banshi like yelp of a thousand sorority girls and drunken imbeciles continues to be "WOOOOOO!". It's everywhere. Sporting events, bars, outside the Today Show, Tea Party rallies.....It has all the subtlety of a police siren and is just about as grating. Check that, it's MORE grating. A fun little game to play with it: Next time you are around a gaggle of twenty something women and they are drinking, put down a five spot that this will come out of their mouths within 15 seconds.
Pistachio ice cream I only tried once and probably would've forgot about it had I not been reminded of it's existence a few days ago. It's hard to fuck up ice cream but when you put a salty nut as it's main ingredient of flavor, it's doable. Tastes oddly like I imagine dried raccoon shit tasting like...
But WOOO has no trouble at all with this one as they cruise 99-64....Woooo!

6) the Sun Times Web Site 11) Darth Vader Going "Noooooo!": The Sun Times is a shadow of it's previously mediocre self. It was never a great newspaper but, at least, you had a decent sports page. Now? Rick Morrissey is their main writer. 'Nuff said. But the web site looks like someone designed it in 1996 and never updated it. It has ads all over the sides and the stories start way down the page. Somebody needs to go to Godaddy and fix this! Major city newspaper and the website is passed by the Clinton Herald and Ft. Dodge Daily Toilet Liner. Nice job.
But in sheer awfulness, DVGNOOOO! got totally screwed in the seeding. This is not a 11 seed. Not by a long shot. I sat through the unbelievable crap fests "Phantom Menace" and "Attack of the Clones" to get to THIS POINT! I was finally going to see Darth Vader become Darth fucking Vader. There's no way Lucas could fuck this up. Right? The only thing could be some hackneyed homage to Frankenstein and oh my god, he just looked up at the sky and went "NOOOOO!"....Are.You. Fucking. Kidding. Me?
Darth Vader wins with a steaming 63% from the floor and cruises to a 91-77 win. Sun Times got a bad matchup.

OK, we're off. More from Mate later in the day.

Mate's Bracket

2010-08-02T08:07:00.011-05:00

Every July, as the dog days of unrelenting Midwestern humidity and sweat take their toll, Mate's blog posting becomes less. He needs something to revitalize as there's only so many times you can write "Bobby Jenks makes me nervous".
And twice every year the Tournament of Awful brings that chance to recharge the cynical batteries that generate the power that is the BRE.

Here are Mate's Brackets:

Once again, thanks to Boers and Bernstein for coming up with the idea for us to rip off...

Howie Mandell Region:

1) Photo Enforced Traffic Lights 16) the Library On A Weekday Afternoon
8) Miller Lite "Man Up" Ads 9) Peyton Manning's Omnipresence
4) Dan McNeil's Dopey Joy For NFL Training Camp Starting 13) The Amount of Pillows On People's Beds
5) Navigating Washington DC 12) "You HAVE To See "Mad Men"!! HAVE TO!!"
3) People Who Still Don't Get Why Fixing Your Dog Is a Good Thing 14) Anderson Cooper's Growing Smugness and Self Righteousness
6) This Summer Movie Season 11) Where the Wild Things Are (Movie)
7) Onion AV Club Movie Critics 10) Rush Limbaugh's Barely Hidden Disdain For Non Whites
2) Conservatives Who Actually Bring Up Seccession 15) Dr. Oz Diet Tips

Lisa Lampenelli Region:

1) WOOOOO!!! 16) Pistachio Ice Cream
8) Today Show Financial Advisers 9) Directv Customer Service
4) Senate Republicans 13) Pat Quinn
5) My Dog's Morning Barking Jags 12) People Who Correspond Only Through E-Mail
6) the Sun Times Web Site 11) Darth Vader Going "Noooooo!"
3) Bill Simmons 14) Nostalgia For Video Games
7) "Soccer Is the Next Big Thing In America...." 10) "Best Places To Live" Lists
2) Job Advice 15) University of Texas and What's Left of the Big 12